#Arkhaven INFOGALACTIC #Castalia House
I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to this one.
Hey, if you don’t have a problem with ballpoint pens in 1941 and a teenage girl writing copiously about middle-aged male sexual fetishes on MySpace, then a simple change of skin color shouldn’t be a problem for you either. Also, Mary Beard was the historical consultant, and you know you can trust her. Checkmate, haters.
Booster Patrol’s latest recording, THA RANGZ OF POWER, is an epic lesson on why one would do well to avoid watching Amazon’s The Rings of Power. The Dark Herald further explains:
Some things get a little better when you think about them for a little bit.
This ain’t one of them.
Whenever you are surveying the smoldering wreckage of a horrifying man-made disaster, the same questions are always asked. How was this allowed to happen? Wasn’t it someone’s job to prevent this? Was it a deliberate act of sabotage? How is the richest man in the world this fucking stupid?
These are all valid, simple questions with complicated answers. Which I shall endeavor to answer for you…
The secret to the Bad Reboot school’s success is a combination of an established reputation for success, superb salesmanship (I have to give them that), and a mastery of studio politics as well as fashionable politics in general. Additionally, Bad Reboot skillfully manages its relations with the press. Finally, the disciples of Abrams rigidly follow their business model and always get out before the burning building collapses on top of them. If they were trying to make anything good, I could admire the professionalism.
The fundamental problem is that they don’t know how to make anything good. It’s like cotton candy, it looks big and smells great but once you take a bite the only thing you have in your mouth is empty sugary grit. If you are only trying to grind out pablum like summer tentpoles then that is good enough. Honestly, most fandoms really do only want that, just consume product and get excited for the next project.
Problem.
Tolkien fans aren’t remotely like that. The magnitude of this disaster would have been manageable if they had just invented their own IP that kind of looked like Tolkien. But as it is, they put The Lord of the Rings label on this, so that was the standard they would have to meet.
Ha! Ha! Ha! (gasp…wheez…gasp) Ha! Ha! Ha! (wipes eyes)
Expecting Bad Reboot alumni J.D. Payne and Patrick McKay to meet that standard is like expecting Ariana Grande to win the Noble Prize for Physics. Theoretically possible… But not likely.
Tolkien fans have been arguing over the same five books for better than half a century. The body of scholarly work based on it is gigantic. It is the entire bedrock of modern fantasy. Every fantasy writer has to consciously adopt or reject the Lord of the Rings, but you can’t possibly ignore it. There are frequent and violent arguments over what exactly the Valar were. What was the nature of Tom Bombadil? How much of the legendarium was adopted from Celtic myth? This was not the kind of fandom that you can use as a base for a popcorn burner. And there was no way in hell a couple of graduates from the Bad Reboot school of non-writing were going to be able to fake their way through a five-year series. This project was doomed from its inception.
There were several people at Amazon whose jobs it was to prevent something this bad from happening. As near as I can tell, all of them were circumvented. There is no way in hell these scripts looked good.
This may be the best fan comment that has surfaced yet:
I liked the bit where Galadriel said “I’m gonna fight Sauron alone! and then went home instead. And then she said “I’m never going to give up fighting Sauron!” but then decided to go on holiday. But just before she got on holiday she decided to drown herself instead because her brother said something sad to her when she was a child.
The review for which you’ve all been waiting. The Dark Herald reviews The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power for Arkhaven.
You would have to have had the hubris of Morgoth himself to take on this project.
As a writer, I would have been terrified of it. If the producers had come to me to finish the Unfinished Tales by Tolkien plus some original pastiche based on the Appendixes, I would have told them. “Look, I’ll require two years prep time before I write word one. I’ll need to completely immerse myself in Tolkien’s work to the exclusion of all else. Then I have to spend a lot of time with Tom Shippey and other scholars, plus a Catholic priest with three doctorates who is really into JRR’s work. And at the end of the day, it still won’t be Tolkien, just so you know.”
Who would take this on? Bad Reboot that’s who.
The inarticulate slaughterer of every franchise where they press diseased foot is their bread and butter. Their mode of operation is now predictably obvious. Being completely incapable of creativity themselves, they select anything at all that might have an audience, invade and metastasize, then give it a Bad Reboot treatment. This consists of a Feminist Heroine’s Journey combined with a bunch of mystery boxes to lure foolish audiences along. Be sure to break the bank on flashy effects scenes.
I spent some time in sales, so I can see what Jar Jar Abrams’s school of non-writing is. It is sales technique disguised as writing. That’s it. That is all that the Abrams Mystery Box school really is. It’s just a hook with nothing attached to the hook but the next hook. It’s just one long sales pitch trying to keep you watching despite the fact that there is in fact nothing to watch.
Let me assure you now, there is nothing to watch here.
There is, however, quite a bit to read. And you should read the whole thing. After which, you should congratulate yourself for not adding to the “record numbers” that Amazon claims to be achieving.
So anyway, we get to see Commander Galadriel the Warrior Princess take up her brother’s quest to find Sauron. Like every feminist heroine, her primary obstacle is disbelief. Her MEN don’t believe in her quest to find Sauron. This is fundamentally stupid because it’s based on the belief that he died of old age which is kind of hard for an immortal to do.
So, they go to some Ice Fortress of ice, (Geode makes a guest appearance) and she kills an ice troll single-handedly, (second step of the Feminist Heroine’s Journey is now in the bag). She find Sauron’s mark thus proving Galadriel was right all along, but her men quit on her anyway. So, she is forced to turn back and report to Gil-Gilad.
Let me be clear about this, in a really bad show, Karen-Galadriel is the worst thing in it. Morfydd Clark is horrendously miscast. I’ve seen her act but only in Little Wounded Bird roles.
We meet Neil Patrick Harris Elrond. It’s an absolutely cringe scene as they declare their platonic love for each other. In the Legendarium, he’s her son-in-law. Here, he’s obviously gay. Elrond attempts to mansplain things to Galadriel who shoots him down as she’s supposed to in the Feminist Heroine’s Journey. She then gets some leaf crown as an award from Gil-Gilad. He then declares her recon team the greatest heroes in all of elf-kind so they get the super big prize. A one-way ticket back to Valinor.
Oh. What. The. Fuck?
Okay, after the War of Wrath all the elves had the option of going back to Valinor… EXCEPT GALADRIEL! If you know anything at all about Valinor then you know she can’t go there.
Galadriel was specifically prohibited from returning by the gods of Middle Earth themselves.
That door was completely closed to her until she refused the offer of the One Ring by Frodo. Only then was she allowed to “…diminish. And go into the west. And remain Galadriel.”
Just to state this one more time. Galadriel could not fucking go to *Valinor.
All of this nonsense has inspired me to set a goal of finishing and releasing the complete A SEA OF SKULLS in electronic form before the end of the year, with the print edition to follow once a few rounds of typos have been identified and corrected. This is doable; just last night I finished Theuderic’s second-to-last chapter.
Jeff Bezos didn’t listen to his son:
Being one of the richest people on the planet, Jeff Bezos is not used to being told what to do. But when Amazon announced it was creating The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, which is likely to become the most expensive television series ever made, he received a blunt order from his son: “Dad, don’t fuck this up.”
Sorry, Jeff. A verdict is in. And you done fucked it up.
OH LAWD, DEM RANGS! DEM RANGS A’ POWAH!
Past success sows the seeds of future failure
The Devil Mouse is making it harder and harder for its defenders to justify any parents permitting their children access to Disney material.
“Disney has announced that FX’s new animated horror-comedy series “Little Demon” will begin streaming on Disney+ in Australia and New Zealand on Wednesday, September 21, 2022. The series currently debuts new episodes on Thursdays on FXX and streams the next day on Hulu. The show is also expected to arrive on Disney+ in other countries,” according to Disney Plus Informer.
The cartoon takes place 13 years after an unmarried pagan woman is impregnated by Satan (voice played by Danny Devito) and follows her and her daughter (literally the spawn of Satan and referred to as the Antichrist) through everyday life. The series features demonic witchcraft, pagan rituals, gratuitous blood, gore, and nudity…
Disney seems to be dead set on continuing their march into darkness as we previously reported, Disney announced that they created a task force to create more LGBTQ content for children, and recently announced casting a drag queen in a new marvel comic series Ironheart.
Perhaps you thought I was exaggerating when I began describing Disney as the Devil Mouse. I wasn’t, and the mask continues to come off. So don’t support those who hate you, and especially don’t support those who hate Jesus Christ, America, and Western Civilization.
If you’re not subscribing to UATV and/or Arktoons yet, this should suffice to explain why doing so is quite literally a cultural imperative.
UPDATE: “Laura and her daughter Chrissy are Jewish, something the writers plan to flesh out more in the first season. “We did make Laura Jewish for a reason,” says Fowler.”
Indeed. They could hardly be Christian, now, could they?
UPDATE: Google, which is no longer reminding itself “don’t be evil”, is openly attempting to hide the Devil Mouse’s wickedness from people looking into this.
They watched the Amazon Abomination so you didn’t have to subject yourself to it.
Black elves, black hobbitses, and black dwarfs. Checkmate, racists!
Don’t hate-watch the Amazon abomination. Don’t indulge whatever curiosity you might have about precisely how bad it happens to be. Don’t think that you’ll score points with anyone by cleverly pointing out its copious problems that even a half-wit could have anticipated. Just stand back, ignore it, and leave it to burn.
Turkey is not the word. No turkey, however bloated and stupid, could ever be big enough to convey the mesmerising awfulness of Amazon’s billion dollar Tolkien epic.
This is a disaster dragon – plucked, spatchcocked, with a tankerload of Paxo stuffed up its fundament, roasted and served with soggy sprouts.
The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power (Amazon Prime) is so staggeringly bad, it’s hilarious. Everything about it is ill-judged to a spectacular extreme.
The cliche-laden script, the dire acting, the leaden pace, the sheer inconsistency and confusion as it lurches between styles – where do we start?
One disconnected style follows wildly after another. A static scene in which elves journey by ship is conceived as a PreRaphaelite painting – each actor stock still in silver armour, swords clasped to their chests, long hair rippling, eyes fixed on the horizon in pious awe. Inspired by a flock of birds, they lift their voices in a heavenly choir.
There’s a lot of this quasi-religious imagery. The first episode begins with a cod Bible reading: ‘There was a time when the world was so young, there had not been a sunrise, but even then there was light.’
Popular culture invents blether like this to replace real religion. It’s scientology for the superhero movie era.
‘Year gave way to year, century gave way to century,’ the narrator continues, and already this reviewer was giving way to laughter. Soon, every fresh clunker provoked such hoots that I had to keep pausing to gather my composure.
It will be beneficial for the world to observe, yet again, what inevitably happens when SJWs are permitted to acquire the rights to well-loved intellectual property.
“If this show fails, say insiders, executives could be forced to shut down Amazon Studios.“
Let it fail. Let it fail in such a proverbial manner that it will replace Heaven’s Gate as an industry byword for complete and utter catastrophe.
I’m not saying Jeff Bezos took the ticket… but it sure looks like he took the ticket and that it’s very nearly time to pay the piper. The more one learns about the ugly truth concerning fortune and fame in Clown World, the more one begins to truly appreciate the value of hard work, genuine fans, and the modest benefits of success that can be legitimately earned.
It appears Ben Shapiro was instructed to hire Disney executives to lead his fake cultural non-alternative to the Devil Mouse:
To help Ben Shapiro and the Daily Wire continue to venture into the entertainment and subscription streaming business. the company has reportedly hired a former Disney executive to serve in the company’s Chief Marketing Officer (CMO) role. The right-leaning media outlet has hired Eric Caballero to be the CMO, who recently worked as a Vice President in Disney’s media and entertainment distribution group, The Hollywood Reporter (THR) first covered.
“While it includes politically focused content from The Daily Wire as well as some other conservative programming, the company is moving further into entertainment, committing $100 million to produce kids and family fare, and expanding into original movies (including a Gina Carano-led offering called ‘Terror on the Prairie’),” THR reported on the scope of Caballero’s work.
Jeremy Boreing, the co-CEO at the Daily Wire, said in a statement that Disney’s audience is sick and tired of the company’s progressive activism and expressed Daily Wire’s intentions to progress deeper into the children’s media space. “Companies like Disney have betrayed their family-friendly and pro-America audiences because of outsize influence from activist shareholders and employees, leaving money and opportunity on the table in the process,” Boering explained.
Caballero hopes to captivate the Daily Wire’s audience in a way similar to his work at Disney. “I studied Disney’s traditions of customer obsession, of multi-generational franchise-building, and of broadening Hollywood’s best talent,” Caballero told THR in a statement.
Earlier this month another Disney exec joined the Daily Wire. Chris Sonnenburg, the showrunner of Disney’s “Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure” was hired to be the Daily Wire’s senior vice president of animation development and production.
Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire Hires Former Disney Exec To Be CMO, 19 August 2022
This is a picture-perfect example of how the media gatekeepers create a false binary in order to present you with an alternative that isn’t actually an alternative at all, in the expectation that you’ll be dumb enough to accept the same thing that you previously rejected because it has a different logo on it.
Arkhaven is a real alternative. Unauthorized is a real alternative. That’s why you never, ever, hear the media – not even the comics media – uttering a single peep about either of them despite the fact that they are already technologically superior in some ways to their mainstream competitors.
Rape Rape attempts to avoid taking the blame for the disastrous end of Game of Thrones.
The legendary HBO saga ended back in summer 2019, and there’s no doubt most fans were disappointed by the dud of an ending we got.
Well, Martin wants people to know he was pushed “out of the loop” as the show progressed by showrunners D.B. Weiss and David Benioff.
“By season 5 and 6, and certainly 7 and 8, I was pretty much out of the loop,” Martin told The New York Times. When asked by The NYT why Benioff and Weiss iced out the man responsible for creating “GoT,” he responded with, “I don’t know — you have to ask Dan and David.”
A rep for the two men didn’t give a comment to the Times.
For those of you who might not remember, there was serious outrage about the ending of “Game of Thrones.” Fans had invested nearly a decade of time into the series expecting some kind of epic conclusion. Instead, we got a mini-UN meeting, Bran became king, Arya became Dora the Explorer, Jon went north and Sansa became queen in the north. The only part of the conclusion that made sense was Sansa’s storyline.
The rest of it was laughably bad, and the backlash was immediate and brutal.
Strange. He wasn’t so hot on giving all the credit to Dan and David back when the show was well-regarded. If he didn’t like the ending – which he reportedly gave them – perhaps he should have just, you know, finished writing the books.