Leadership secrets

The Leadership Secrets of Satanas Rex

by His Nethereal Majesty Lucifer the Satan I, Lord of Hell, God of This Age, Prince of This World, and by divine proclamation Accursed of God, Banished From Heaven and Condemned to the Pit.

Do you seriously expect to learn anything about leadership from some pinhead who managed to suck his way up to straight As in high school, snowed the admissions board with a cheesy essay about how much he wants to change the world, then rode the Ivy League gravy train into a fast-track slot at a Fortune 500 company? Are you genuinely impressed by petty little pikers whose silver tongues let them grab the brass ring just long enough to jump with a golden parachute before their corporations crash and burn?

I eat guys like that for breakfast. Literally. Their souls, anyhow. Let’s just say you don’t see a lot of Chief Executive Officers in Heaven. Or lawyers.

You want leadership? Then answer me this. Where do you think the world heading right now? To Hell, exactly. And guess who’s taking it there? You’re damned right it’s me!

You want vision? I’ve been planning this global governance thing for more than six thousand years. One world, one humanity, one leader – me! You want foresight? Hell, I saw what needed to be done back when you mortals were running around in bear skins with your bare asses hanging out, divided into fifty thousand different tribes and clans, and every rock big enough to take a dump on was claimed by its own so-called king.

You want management? Let’s see you try ruling over two-thirds of the fallen Host of Heaven, from Seraphim to Succubi. It’s like herding cats, if cats were immortal rebels with the power to destroy entire nations. And if you think you’ve got HR problems, try having secretaries who never wear clothes and are so damn hot that it’s a sexual harassment suit in the making just to stand in the same office with them. (And you’ve seen the statues, let’s face it, ain’t no hiding that thing when the blood gets flowing, you know what I’m saying? Plus, I don’t usually wear pants.)

You want charisma? Who do you think talked the angelic Host into falling in the first place? Here’s the first secret, you don’t talk people into following you, you make them think it’s impossible to not follow you. Hell, even God’s kid knows that, deep down, everybody wants to follow an Alpha. But no one’s more Alpha than Alpha than me, I’m the original O.G.. Look, whose sign is that everybody makes with their hands when they’re banging their heads and rocking out? That’s right. Mine, motherfucker, mine!

…to be continued