He’s no Dark Window, but The Poor Man does write quite the personal ad:
Name: Kung-Fu Cybertronic Jesus
Height: 9′ 5″, but deceptively far away
Weight: 225lbs. of sinewy muscle
Turn-ons: Jean-Claude van Damme movies; thinking about how awesome it’s going to be when I’m in heaven and everyone I hate is in Hell; ST:TNG season 4; women bruised, crying and humiliated at my deadly feet.
Turn-offs: Liberals, jews, liberal jews, fat chicks, heretics
About me: Sci-fi author, blogger, fighter, dreamer, do-er, lover. A true Rennaissance man, minus all that Gallileo nonsense. Very interested in women’s education, particularly such lessons as can be taught with a five punch combo or a reverse roundhouse kick.
About you: Christian, modest, traditional values. Must not be taller, smarter, funnier, more attractive, or rival me in any way whatsoever. It’s really best if you just stand behind me and say nothing. Best for us, and safer for you. Also, don’t try to get between me and Jesus, or it’s on. Seriously, my personal relationship with Jesus has turned my fists into lethal weapons, with a +12 bonus against uppity bitches. You know what? The hell with this. It would never work out between us. I need someone who respects me. Whore.
The thing I found interesting, other than the ad itself, is how the presumably liberal commenters are quick to assert how guns are more dangerous than unarmed combat. Which is true, but how many gun control freaks carry? And perhaps someone should explain to them that the mere act of studying the martial arts doesn’t render one completely incapable of using a firearm.
I also don’t understand why people get so strange about what they appear to consider macho posturing. Beating the hell out of each other is what happens in every fighting dojo in every city in America. It’s no big deal. When I meet a boxer, I expect to hear some stories about him punching people in the head and getting punched in the head. There’s not a whole lot else to talk about on the subject, is there?
Anyhow, one commenter did do me the service of pointing out that nobody gave the mother who asked any advice on martial arts schools. My fault. Here’s a few belated pointers:
1. Style isn’t that important for a beginner. You can always switch later.
2. Watch out for the belt factories. Ask how long it takes to get a black belt. If they give you a time – and especially if it’s two years or less – go somewhere else. A black belt indicates mastery, not time served.
3. The grappling styles are more useful. Both Aikido and jujitsu are good. Judo schools tend to get too sport focused, like their Tae Kwon Do counterparts in karate.
4. If you can find a school that mixes hard and soft, that’s often a good sign.
5. Make sure they spar with fairly heavy contact at least once a week.
6. When you visit, the students should be very respectful of their sensei but have genuine affection for him.