Apparently, I’m a little bit older today than I think I am.
Yesterday I got an e-mail notifying me that my 2004 Federal tax return was rejected because the date of birth I provided did not match the information currently available on the very ominous sounding “IRS Masterfile”. This Masterfile is purportedly based on information provided by the Social Security Administration as I was strongly advised to take the matter up with them.
Being very eager to see my somewhat substantial tax refund returned to me as soon as physically possible I immediately phoned the nearest Social Security office. That phone conversation went something like this:
Overpaid Government Worker #1: (in broken English) Social Security Administration.
Me: Yes, your records have my birth date incorrect and I’d like to get that cleared up.
OGW 1: Okay, what you need to do is apply for a new Social Security card.
Me: And…how do I go about doing that?
OGW 1: Well, you need to fill out an SS-5 form and either mail it to us or bring it in with two forms of identification with your new birth date on them.
Me: Ummm…it’s not really a new birth date. It’s the same one that I’ve had for quite some time now. I just need you guys to correct it in your files.
Imagine how the Atomizer will feel if he ever bothers to get his IMF translated and discovers that according to the IRS, not only is his date of birth incorrect, but he’s not a human being at all, being classified instead as a Guatamalan corporation manufacturing sewing machine parts.