Tag: sports

I very much suspect Jay Cutler is French. He plays quarterback in exactly the manner in which one imagines a nihilist philosopher would. A long touchdown strike to the tight end, a goal line pass thrown directly to the breadbasket of the opposing linebacker, what is the difference, really? Atoms are arranged one way, atoms are arranged another way, none of it has any meaning.

Don’t ask him questions, media wretch. You bore him. How could you not? The hole in the zone, the wafting of grey smoke from a Galoises Blonde, the thin sheen of sweat on the naked buttocks of a so-called “Hollywood” actress, these are all mere ephemeral pleasures. You ask Jay Cutler why he sneers; Jay Cutler asks why you do not shriek at the tedious horror of it all.

I really enjoy watching Baltimore-Pittsburgh games. It’s not the oldest rivalry in the league, but now that the New England-Indianapolis rivalry has faded with the Colts’ decline, it’s the most fun for a non-partisan football fan to watch. I think the Steelers have the advantage because I trust Big Ben at QB more than Flacco, but I don’t actually care who wins.

I hope the Seahawks’ upset of New Orleans yesterday stops all the stupid hand-wringing about seed advantages going to the division winners. Weak divisions and strong divisions are part of football and it is part of what makes the NFL season exciting. The whines of those who think that the teams with the best records should make the playoffs and be seeded in order of their record border on the moronic; they might as well do what the European soccer leagues do, throw out the playoffs altogether and crown the team with the best record the champion.

Destroying division rivalries and ensuring that even more teams are out of the mix weeks before the end of the season in favor of what can only be a childish sense of “fairness” or worse, a numerological fetish, would be ridiculous. There is nothing unfair about it and every team knew what the rules were going in. Who cares if a 7-9 team made it to the playoffs and a few 10-6 teams stayed home? If you want to be guaranteed a spot, win your damn division. Going down this route is a step towards the elimination of the divisions, the conferences, and eventually, the justification for holding a Super Bowl. I dislike the Seahawks intensely and I like Drew Brees, but I am very, very glad that the NFC West champions won their first-round game.

I never liked the expansion of the playoffs to include multiple wild cards and this call to further diminish the meaning of a division championship shows that I was correct to be suspicious of it.

Well, by ESPN standards, anyhow:

The five smartest things I’ve seen from readers this week via comments, Facebook, Twitter and my mailbag.

In a Facebook conversation spurred by a radio appearance, NATE said: “As several NFL guys have pointed out… blowing a top 3 QB pick usually sets a franchise back years. Fisher was able to stave that off for years… but it finally blew up on him.

“In my estimation… the mediocrity of the last 5 years proves that Jeff Fisher is one of the three or four best coaches in the NFL.”

PK says: I think that’s overrating Fisher, but your broad point is a good one.

I never bought into either the Vince Young or the JaMarcus Russell story. In fact, I still don’t buy into Ron Mexico 1.0 or 2.0; running quarterbacks, (as opposed to mobile quarterbacks), hurt you as much as they help you in the long run. And I do think Fisher is a good coach, although I’d consider him more top ten material than top four.

1. Belichick. No question.
2. Sean Payton. Not much history, but what is there is good.
3. Hmmmm… Mike Smith? He’s pretty new. The Ultimate Leader is overrated. Reid is good but flawed and can’t control the clock. McCarthy has promise, but ditto. I’m not convinced about Tomlin yet while Caldwell is Art Shell 3.0 and coasting on the Manning and the Dungy legacy. Haley and Morris have started off well, but it’s just one year. Coughlin is really the only one I can think of that compares favorably to Fisher with a Super Bowl win as well as taking the Jags to the AFC Championship game. Maybe Fisher is top four after all.

You may now return to contemplating the Eschaton.

60 MS Swamp Spartans
47 Bane Sidhe

Congratulations to Clay and the Swamp Spartans, who continued in the time-honored VPFL tradition of knocking off the regular-season leader in the championship game in a surprisingly low-scoring finale. As a prize for winning the league, they will be back to play again next year. Third place was claimed by Greenfield with an 89-60 defeat of the Quixotes.

On the NFL side, if Frazier starts Favre after last week’s performance against the Eagles by Webb, I wouldn’t even think about converting his interim label.

It’s the Swamp Spartans vs the regular season champion Sidhe. The winner claims the championship and a place in the league next year. The first round games:

70 MS Swamp Spartans
68 Valders Quixotes

61 Bane Sidhe
52 Greenfield Grizzlies

81 Bane Sidhe (10-4-0)
36 Greenfield Grizzlies (7-6-1)

83 Valders Quixotes (9-5-0)
26 Blackmouth Banksters (7-7-0)

89 MS Swamp Spartans (8-5-1)
52 Winston Reverends (4-10-0)

63 Judean Rhyneauxs (7-7-0)
50 Moundsview Meerkats (4-9-1)

89 RR Redbeards (7-6-1)
56 Meigs Marauders (5-9-0)

The regular season came to a close with Bane claiming the top seed and Greenfield edging out the Redbeards for the last playoff spot. That sets up a second straight Bane-Greenfield game in two weeks while the Quixotes and Swamp Spartans face off in the other playoff games. The Redbeards’ Tom Brady was the MVP, scoring 232 points to lead the league.

77 Moundsview Meerkats (4-8-1)
42 Meigs Marauders (5-8-0)

81 Bane Sidhe (9-4-0)
52 Blackmouth Banksters (7-6-0)

73 MS Swamp Spartans (7-5-1)
63 Judean Rhyneauxs (6-7-0)

65 Greenfield Grizzlies (7-5-1)
55 Winston Reverends (4-9-0)

52 RR Redbeards (6-6-1)
36 Valders Quixotes (8-5-0)

So close! I finally made it to the top of the league in scoring with 896 points to the Grizzlies 890 last week, but the Grizz beat Winston to drop them to 4-9-0 and prevent me from scoring the rare top in scoring, bottom in the standings bifecta by half a game. But Greenfield has been on a historic tear, going from last in the league to a playoff spot with a timely five-game winning streak. Bane has been on a roll too, but something has to give since they meet this week.

Of the six teams still in contention, I suspect the Swamp Spartans and Redbeards will be on the outside looking in. As for the NFL, it would appear that the football gods were not happy with the idea that Brett Favre might not continue his 297-game starting streak. Frazier had better commit to starting him or this snow may not let up until January. And one suspects this should give lawmakers the excuse they need to screw over the taxpayers and build a new stadium on Mr. Wilf’s behalf; an NFL team can’t be expected to play in a place with a collapsing roof, after all. I fully expect there to be long faces delivering the devastating news of permanent structural damage to the old Hump this week.

I hope they keep the other important lesson in mind as well. The Vikings are meant to play OUTSIDE! When they do build a new stadium, they’d better not put another bloody roof on it.

95 Bane Sidhe (8-4-0)
36 Winston Reverends (4-8-0)

89 Moundsview Meerkats (3-8-1)
32 Valders Quixotes (8-4-0)

75 Greenfield Grizzlies (6-5-1)
72 Judean Rhyneauxs (6-6-0)

49 RR Redbeards (5-6-1)
46 Blackmouth Banksters (7-5-0)

68 MS Swamp Spartans (6-5-1)
43 Meigs Marauders (5-7-0)

The Meerkats may be out of it for the season, but that doesn’t mean they can’t skeletonize a frontrunner. The league-leading Quixotes were shredded like a cow in the Amazon by the Piranha of the Serengeti last week, but the Meerkats remained six points shy of the scoring the rarely seen First in Points, Last in the League award, just behind the suddenly fearsome Grizzlies who have ridden the Sanchize to win four straight and move into playoff position.

Looks like a bang-up finish with six teams battling for four spots.