Tag: sports

Mailvox: cold consolation

This one is for all the Minnesotans:

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go
to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them “Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?

Ole replies, “Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesnoowta, da land of
snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance at varm up a little bit,
ya know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up
the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from
Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims, “Everyone down here is in abject
misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?”

Sven replies, “Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere
at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got at haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis
nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are
hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable
to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there
and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are
jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand; when I turn up the heat,
you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is
wrong with you two?”

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, “Vell, don’t ya know,
If hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.”

It occurs to me that one of the many casualties of the cultural rape of the West is Sven and Ole jokes. Sans a familiarity with Christian culture, there is no joke there.

No one will ever be this cool

88-year-old Minnesota Vikings head coach Bud Grant took the field.

In a short-sleeved polo.

In -9 degree weather.

This is still only my second favorite Bud Grant story. The best was when a reporter asked him what he thought about how things were different for coaches now, how they get paid a lot more money, and have more endorsement opportunities.

When the reporter asked if Bud thought he would have liked to have had a Bud Grant cologne, Bud looked at him in total disbelief, as if he was trying to decide between kicking the guy off of his porch or shooting him.

NFC Wildcard

I feel surprisingly relaxed going into the Seattle game. Whatever happens, I’m entirely confident that the Vikings defense isn’t going to lay down like it did when its three best starters were out, and it’s going to be fun to watch one last game that will be like they were in the days when I went to games at the Old Met. The one I remember most was a Monday Night Football game when we beat the Steelers, 17-6. That would have been 1976, and although it was early October, I remember it being a pretty cold night. But I was happy: vengeance for Super Bowl IX!

Still, as much as I hate to admit it, the Vikings probably did the right thing by going with the covered stadium. It’s so cold that tickets are going for as little as $45; people are a lot less willing to sit out in the freezing cold for four hours than they were back in the 1970s. Let’s face it, the value proposition has changed over time. Sitting at home watching a 12-inch black-and-white screen is very different than kicking back and taking in the game with a massive HD widescreen. And can be damnably cold in Minnesota in January.

Needless to say, my brother and a few of my friends are there; they opened TCF with Favre’s last game and they’re closing it today. Skol Vikings!

In the other game, I would be surprised if Washington has any real trouble with Green Bay. I thought the Redskins were crazy when they drafted both RGIII and Cousins in the same draft, but it is a QB-driven league, and someone in the Washington front office clearly recognized that two bites at the apple are better than one. And even if a player looks like the real deal in his rookie year, that’s not necessarily the case.

In other NFC news, Cam Newton’s description of the Carolina huddle cracked me up:

C Ryan Kalil – “He’s like the dictator.”

LG Andrew Norwell – “He’s the yeller.”

RG Trai Turner – “He’s the finisher.”

RT Mike Remmers – “He’s the panicker of the huddle.”

LT Michael Oher – “He’s the grandfather of the huddle. He’s a Scrooge. He doesn’t want anybody to play around, no matter what the score is.”

FB Mike Tolbert – “He’ll say a corny joke every now and then, and he has like a 20 to 30 percent chance of making people laugh. But it’s just the thought that counts.”

TE Greg Olsen – “He’s the overseer. He listens to the plays and he’s like, ‘No, no, no, that’s not right. It can’t be even, it has to be odd. I can’t zoom, I can’t motion that way because – no Cam, that’s not right.’”

WR Devin Funchess – “Has no clue what the hell’s going on.”

WR Philly Brown – “He’s cool.”

WR Ted Ginn Jr. – “He’s always exhausted.”

WR Jerricho Cotchery – “He’s just the meditator. The Jerricho that you see scoring the touchdowns is going to be the same Jerricho that you see pregame.”

Of course poor Ginn is always exhausted. They send him on fly patterns as a decoy for everything from an off-tackle dive to a halfback screen pass.

UPDATE: Seattle 10, Minnesota 9. Unbelievable. Zimmer coached a fantastic game and you could even say that the Vikings deserved the victory, but you simply can’t expect to win if your kicker is going to choke on a 27-yard field goal.

NFL Wildcard Saturday

Wow, Brian Hoyer was as bad as I have seen an NFL quarterback play in the playoffs. I couldn’t believe they put him back in after the half. Except for the opening kickoff, KC looked as if they were on cruise control the entire game.

Cincy’s defense looks NASTY. And McCarron looked pretty good in both games I saw him play. Given that defense, he doesn’t even have to do all that much for the Bengals to win anyhow.

Recognize!

The PFT Poet sums up a sterling end to the 2015 NFL Regular Season, with the Vikings back in their rightful position atop the NFC North and AD in possession of his third NFL rushing title.

The Historic Minnesota Vikings Dynasty officially began on this day.

Oh glorious, historic Minnesota Vikings.

We have the best team in NFL History….

The Decade of Dominance is officially here, you heard it hear first.

We will cruise throughout the playoffs for a historic Super Bowl victory, in the most glorious fashion.

We just took the Green Bay Packers title away…for good.

By the time Mike Zimmer retires and wins over 7 Super Bowl Trophies, the Lombardi trophy will be renamed “The Zimmer Trophy.”

Let the purple and gold confetti fall.

Recognize Greatness.
Recognize History.

Recognize your historic Minnesota Vikings.

Preach, preacher!

Week 18

NFC North showdown. I have to say, I like our chances in the rematch. I’d like them better if Joseph were playing, but considering how banged up their offensive line is, I doubt Rodgers will finish this game either.

NFL Week 16

It’s championship week in a lot of leagues. Good luck, if you made it. Meanwhile, back in the real world, the Vikes need to make a two-game run to take the NFC North back.

Manning and the HGH accusation

It wouldn’t be surprising to hear that Peyton Manning resorted to desperate measures in order to get back on the field after losing his entire 2011 season. But the fact that his arm strength never returned would appear to be evidence against the accusation that he was using a banned substance as part of his recovery:

As part of the investigation, Collins connected with Charlie Sly, a pharmacist based in Austin, Texas, who worked at the Guyer Institute, the Indiana-based anti-aging clinic, in 2011.

Manning missed the 2011 season, when he was a member of the Indianapolis Colts, after undergoing neck surgery. In the documentary, Sly tells Collins, who is taking secret video of his interactions, that he was “part of a medical team that helped [Manning] recover” from the surgery. Sly alleges that the clinic mailed growth hormone and other drugs to Manning’s wife, Ashley Manning, so that the quarterback’s name was never attached to them.

“All the time we would be sending Ashley Manning drugs,” Sly says in the video. “Like growth hormone, all the time, everywhere, Florida. And it would never be under Peyton’s name, it would always be under her name.”

Manning and his wife also came to the clinic after its normal business hours for intravenous treatments, Sly tells Collins on the undercover video.

Manning left the Colts after the 2011 season to sign with Denver. The NFL banned human growth hormone as part of its 2011 collective bargaining agreement with players, but did not begin testing for it until 2014. No player has ever tested positive.

Full disclosure. I am now on a program of ingesting strange nutritional supplements myself. After spending an evening with Mike and Shauna in Spain, Spacebunny now has me drinking weirdly colored liquids that reportedly contain unfamiliar substances such as “beets” and “spinach” on a daily basis. I don’t know if they’re actually illegal or not, but they probably should be.

NFL Week 15

Well, that’s the end of my fantasy season. I made it to the wild card round, but Mark Ingram went on IR and I erroneously preferred to start the SF RB1 against the Cleveland defense rather than the CLE RB1 against the San Francisco defense.

That was the difference.

This is your NFL Open Thread. All eyes are on Carolina.

NFL Week 14

Well, I’m in the playoffs by point difference, but with Mark Ingram out and on IR, and my opponent having had a good Thursday night, it could be tight. This is the weekly NFL open thread.