A Succinct Summary

You don’t need to read His Dark Materials. This pretty much covers it. And then some.

Book I

Pullman: Religion is Evil.

Readers: Why?

Pullman: Because priests kill babies.

Readers: No they don’t. You just made that up in the book.

Pullman: Shut up! Look at Iorek Byrnison!

Readers: Hey, he is cool. (Iorek does cool stuff for one book and then spends the next two books being completely boring, chasing after Lyra.)

Book III

Pullman: God, religion, and any person of faith are Evil.

Readers: Why?

Pullman: Sheesh, are you deaf? They kill babies!

Readers: Hang on, the leader of the fight against God also killed a baby. Why isn’t he evil?

Pullman: No he didn’t.

Readers: Yes he did, it’s right here in the first book.

Pullman: Shut up! Look at Will and Lyra having sex!

Readers: Urg. Isn’t Lyra ten?

Pullman: She’s twelve now.

Readers: Well, that makes it all better, then.

Scratch a Christ hater, find a pedo. Every. Single. Time.

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