Be sure to get your Covid vaccine!

“Ah feah mutch be’er now dat ah know ah’m pwotected from dat tewwible fwu!” said Rose Smyth-Wiggins, 32, as she drooled from the motionless side of her mouth. “Ah feah wike ah can safewee go ou’side again.”

“Now ah can go rack to woke,” said Michael Wang, 40, as he rubbed incessantly at the insensate side of his visage. “But it’s rike dat song says, ah can’ feah mah face!”

“Hooarerr mrrmrrrkh guwahwahgrrmm,” added Choe Price, 48. “Hoahdurrhim hodor!”

A Pfizer representative assured the public that the vaccine is perfectly safe and that the effects, which may include Bell’s Palsy, sterilization, and anaphylaxis, should be temporary. “Unless, of course, they happen to be fatal,” she added.