DJ watches it so you don’t have to.
I had some time to kill in town today. Didn’t want to drive back home just to turn around. Decided to roll the dice and see the Justice League Movie. Consider this me taking one for the team. It was abysmal. Just flat out boring. But it was offensive, too.
Before the opening credits even completed, while the movie tries to convince us the world has gone to hell with the death of Superman, we witness two angry white men (one with a shaved head, of course) assaulting a grocery owning Muslim family. But that’s actually the only “bad” scene we see. All the other scenes were just of urban decay and sad people in mourning.
Yet, that’s not the only reason I found the movie offensive. It was a horrendously dumbed-down version of the DC Apokolips/Darkseid mythos. Truly awful. Further, the introductions of Aquaman and Flash completely rewrite those characters, making them as annoying as they are impotent.
Flash is a self-described fearful Jew who admits being scared of bugs and running away from trouble, perfectly ok letting others do all the fighting. Arthur Curry is a depicted as a petulant and spoiled resigned member of Atlantis, who even with near godlike power and freedom, drinks himself silly while complaining about his mommy.
Cyborg was pretty on point and probably the best part of the movie.
A risen Superman? Boring. Made more so by returning him to his all-powerful, Silver Age, personality-missing, truth and justice (minus the American Way) flying savior.
Wonder Woman? Well…let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if Zach Snyder ends up on the Miramax Scoreboard soon considering how many times we got to see a center focus shot of Gal Gadot’s rear. As for her character? By the end of the movie she’s telling us Batman wanted her to lead the team (which he never actually does), and that she’s supposed to be the glue for the league, all the while smiling patronizingly at all the “supermen” around her…until of course a shirtless Clark Kent arrives on scene, at which point she drops the smile and visibly quivers at the sight of hairy Henry’s chest.
Not ever how the angry-and-suspicious-of-all-men Wonder Woman was ever depicted.
Bruce Wayne/Batman? Fat. Fat, and not at all intimidating on any level. The Batman. Not intimidating. It’s a joke, but when Barry Allen asks what Bruce’s super power, Bruce responds, “I’m rich,” but that’s clearly what we’re supposed to take away from Batman. He’s too old, too slow, past his prime, useless without real powers (as even stated by Arthur Curry), and nothing without his money.
What. The. Hell. Not the greatest tactician to ever live. Not the world’s greatest detective. Not the most feared crime fighter villains have ever faced – also, every human bad guy in the movie is a white male; even Steppenwolf is depicted with pinkish white skin. No. Batman is just sort of the Justice League’s bruised-and-broken, Scotch-drinking rich uncle.
There was never any real danger once they raised Superman. None. No challenge. No real conflict. Just that tired trope of “if only we come together as a team, we can defeat anything,” and do it better than all those who did it before. Before, it took the combined forces of all the Amazons, all the Atlantians, all the heroes of all the tribes of man, AND the old gods to defeat Steppenwolf and the danger of the trinity box. This time it just takes a desire for justice as stated by Superman at the beginning of the final battle.
Ahhh!! Even the CGI landscape the League flies into for the final battle looked cheap and fake! Nothing about this movie reminded me of the hours I’d spend reading comics growing up! None of it! Not even the rise of Superman carried any inspiration whatsoever.
These mythical stories and adventures are supposed to inspire us to be better people, but this movie wasn’t that at all. It was plain and not mythical. It was common and trite. It wasn’t even good brain candy. It was exhausting.
It was just boring.