In which global warming triumphs over all

Panic in the disco! There’s a fire at the Taco Bell and the Alps are melting!

Some 5,000 years ago, on a day with weather much like today’s, a prehistoric person tread high up in what is now the Swiss Alps, wearing goat leather pants, leather shoes and armed with a bow and arrows. The unremarkable journey through the Schnidejoch pass, a lofty trail 2,756 metres (9,000 feet) above sea level, has been a boon to scientists. But it would never have emerged if climate change were not melting the nearby glacier.

See if you can follow the logic train. It is science:

1. The glacier is melting because it is warmer now than it was in the previous decade or so.
2. This melting has revealed evidence of people inhabiting the land underneath the ice of the glacier.
3. At the time people inhabited the land underneath the ice of the glacier, they were living in a warmer climate.
4. Therefore, a warmer climate brought about by anthropogenic global warming will cause humanity to rapidly die off in a global cataclysm.

Obviously, we must immediately crown ALGORE king of the world and grant him absolute monarchical powers in order to prevent this catastrophe from taking place! There is no other answer! There is no time… I’m… I’m SWEATING! AAAGHH! I’m SWEATING AND BEADS OF MOISTURE ARE BEING SUCKED FROM MY BODY BY THE HEAT! MY MOUTH IS LIKE A FURNACE! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! THERE IS NO ICE IN THE FREEZER, IT’S WARMING, IT’S WARMING, I’M MELTING, I’M MELT –