Who died and made you Mommy?

I wasn’t sure what to title this post, although “Women Sportswriters are Stupid and Irritating Wenches” or “Sports Editors are Complete and Utter Morons” would have been equally applicable:

According to figures from the Fantasy Sports Trade Association, there are currently between 15 million and 18 million fantasy sports players in the U.S. The average player is male, married, in a high-income bracket and more likely to do research for their teams online during business hours while at work. The number of players has grown seven to 10 percent a year for the past three years.

Great, first there was Viagra giving men a false sense of hope that they were something that they’re not. Now there’s fantasy football. I’ve had friends fly 2,500 miles across the country on the red-eye just to attend a fantasy draft. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, “Stop it, you fools! It’s not real. It’s a fantasy, for goodness’ sake.”

….I guess fans will do anything to be a part of the game, and creating fake teams and fake organizations is no exception. Still, this fantasy fever seems so pointless. There is, and always will be, only one Jerry Jones. One NFL. Everyone else with their faux leagues and faux squads is just a poseur.

She’s right. Fantasy football is pointless. It’s certainly not important and productive, like watching “Desperate Housewives”, reading romance novels, looking at paparazzi pictures and gossiping on the telephone about what X said about Y to Z. Instead of spending 90 minutes on the VPFL draft yesterday – Nate’s team looks pretty good, by the way – apparently I should have spent that time doing something more pointful, like investing twenties towards the college funds of young, attractive dance majors short on clothing.

Contrary to the skeptical suppositions of many, I don’t hate women, but by the writhing tentacles of Cthulhu I will freely confess to all and sundry my deep and abiding hatred for female sportswriters. I loathe them. I despise their constant and reliable cluelessness about their only freaking subject, but most of all, I reserve my greatest contempt for their need to nag and lecture “high-income bracket” men who are far more successful than they are about the appropriate use of their free time.

Why do sports editors constantly attempt to inflict female writers on sports fans? It’s ridiculous. They’re inevitably terrible, would rather write about themselves or women’s issues than sports and reveal that they don’t know a damn thing about sports or sports fans in nearly every single column. Florida State’s Cowgirl, Jenn Steger, whose only talents appear to be a pair of implants, a pretty posterior and a cowboy hat, is nevertheless a twenty times better read than any female sportswriter who has ever written for ESPN or CNN/SI, simply because she actually likes sports and men who like sports.

There’s a place for articles like these… in women’s magazines. There are appropriate places to bitch about men and their inscrutable interests, a major sports site is not one of them. I mean, if I were an editor at Soap Opera Weekly or Digest or whatever, (which I sincerely pray will never, ever happen), I would not be so utterly devoid of sense as to publish a column written by a man who thinks that All My Children is roughly one-tenth as entertaining as the Teletubbies with the sound cranked up to eleven.

Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter. This witless wonder will disappear as quickly as all the other women vanished from ESPN’s Page 2, I just wish the editors would stop thinking that Title IX – which, along with the WNBA, provides the subject matter for 73.5 percent of all columns written by female sportswriters – applies to them as well as the nation’s universities.

Hmmmm… wait a minute, perhaps the sophistication of her point may finally worked its way into my sports-addled consciousness. Fantasy sports are not real! They’re fake! Well, forget fantasy football, then. Thank goodness we still have the reality of Madden’s 2007 to fall back on….

PS – I wonder what, precisely, is the false sense of hope created by Viagra? Either Pfizer is pulling off an annual $1.7 billion con job or this woman is such a WNBA fan that she can’t understand what use one could possibly find for an erection.