A good friend of mine is applying for a prestigious and exclusive fellowship and asked me to write her a letter of recommendation. I agreed, of course, and then mailed her this… sometimes you just can’t resist:
HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN THE APPLICANT
1. I have been acquainted with Miss M for eight years after meeting her through a mutual friend, who later, overcome with remorse, married a Frenchman. She has become a close friend of my family and has been a welcome guest in our home although my lawyer completely failed to seduce her despite repeatedly plying her with shots of tequila and Jagermeister.
I have not known her in the Biblical sense.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE APPLICANT’S GREATEST STRENGTHS
2. I consider her greatest strength to be her backside. It is so perfectly round that British scientists calibrate their instruments by it. She really knows how to use it when she walks, especially when she needs to distract someone from one of her occasional screwups. As you have probably noticed, her legs are good too, and she wears very short skirts in the office, which is nice when you get tired of looking at Internet porn.
Her integrity is also of a very high level. When I was bringing in a shipment of Rhodesian ivory taken from poached elephant tusks and Interpol called, she managed to leave them with the impression that the shipment consisted of children’s toys without actually lying.
She also works very hard, at least for a while, until she gets bored and moves on to her next job.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER TO BE THE APPLICANT’S WEAKNESS. (Be candid)
3. I have long felt that the applicant should consider getting implants. Nothing crazy, like double-Ds or anything, but a solid D-cup would be something I would recommend. I think we can all agree that if you’re going to have a woman in the office, pretty much everyone likes to look at breasts of the larger size. I don’t mean that in a sexist way or anything, after all, there’s plenty of the L-words out there, especially when you’re dealing with career chicks that no one wants to marry. Not that the applicant goes both ways or anything like that.
WHAT HAS THE APPLICANT DONE THAT YOU CONSIDER CREATIVE OR UNIQUE
4. She did a helicopter once off a mogul when we were skiing in Zermatt that was out of this f—— world! Also, after business hours, she changes her clothes in a telephone booth and spends her evenings fighting crime with the Justice League of America.
I got a phone call the next day. “That was so funny! Um, you didn’t actually send that in to them, did you?”
I should have. I’m sure she’ll get in anyhow, and I find it very difficult to believe that a group of people who have never heard of me will put much store in my opinion one way or the other. Sometimes my inability to follow through on these things just sickens me.