Now, I’m no Republican. I probably spend more binary ink on excoriating the sins of the elephantine National Democrat party than I do on the asinine International Socialists, simply because they are less obvious to the casual observer. And in the interest of helping my poor, benighted fellow humans on the left wing of the political spectrum, I’ll provide them with a few points of political consulting advice.
1. They can call you gay. You can’t call them gay. It just doesn’t stick. Because even if a few of their gala coordinators are a little light in the Bass Weejuns, they still don’t have Tinkerbell the Transvestite wearing fishnet stockings and a rainbow ribbon while announcing the votes of the great state of New York at their national convention. Everybody knows who is more likely to march in the Pride parade, and let’s face it, it ain’t Republicans.
2. Nobody with an IQ of more than 35 buys into the Christian Right = the Taliban notion. Remember the Passion? Yeah, that campaign worked out, didn’t it. Look, there’s about 100 million of them out there and if they wanted take over the country and establish a theocracy, they would have done it already. It’s like worrying about an invasion from Mars. Give it a rest.
3. Republicans are not, on average, stupid. Yes, Democrats have the egghead academic crowd, possibly the most annoying one percent of the population, but the Republicans have both the self-made wealthy and the college grads. Simultaneously bitching about how Republicans are a) stupid and b) rich only makes it look as if you hail from the Democrats lower echelon. You know, the stinking masses who didn’t graduate from high school.
4. Being the party of Hollywood isn’t as cool as it sounds. Sure, people like to look at them, but people also like to look at train wrecks. And speaking of train wrecks, do not EVER let them talk. Take their money, have them smile for the cameras and leave it at that.
5. Class warfare works in nineteenth century economies when people are starving in the streets. Look around you, does anyone look like they’re starving? It is also the twenty-first century. It’s time to start thinking about Plan B.