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Highlights from Bill Simmons latest mailbag:

Q: Which do you think we’ll see first, a female president or a female head coach of an NBA, MLB, NFL or NHL team?

SG: What would I rather see? That’s easy — a female NHL coach. How would she dress? What would her mullet look like? Would she end up looking like a mustache-less Jeff Foxworthy wearing Paula Poundstone’s clothes? At the very least, let’s dress Barry Melrose up in drag for a few games and give this idea a test run.

What will we see? That’s easy — a female president. If you don’t think Hillary Clinton will be running the country in four years, you’re crazy. Ever been stuck in a room full of women when they decide on something ridiculous like “Andie McDowell has been the most beautiful woman in Hollywood for the past 15 years” and they will absolutely stick together until the death when you’re posing counterarguments? Well, I think that’s how the 2008 election is going to unfold — Hillary is going to be Andie McDowell-ed right into the presidency. If she becomes president, that means any woman can become president. It’s too important not to vote for her. So they’ll vote for her.

(And just for the record, I probably will, too — I miss having Bill Clinton around. Imagine having him on tour as the First Man? How much trouble could he get into? It would be just as if he was the president again, only without any responsibility. Think about it — even when he did have responsibility, the whole Lewinsky debacle happened. As the First Man? Anything’s possible.)

Q: Just a clarification about my earlier e-mail on my desire for a special edition DVD of “Night Shift.” In no way should my comments be construed as a rip on either Winkler or Keaton. I can just picture Keaton reading my comments, realizing I go to Kent State like he did, and showing up at my door in the Batman costume to beat me up. On second thought, that would be pretty cool.

SG: I’m beginning to think that none of my readers could pass a drug test. Not a one.

The amazing thing about Simmons is that his uniquely convoluted reasoning leads him to the correct conclusion far more often than not, as long as the Celtics and Red Sox aren’t involved. His point on the electability of the Lizard Queen is more salient than anything I’ve read from any of the professional political consultants and commentators.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with The Sports Guy, he is the author of the mantra which inspired Monday’s rather popular column.