Sic transit gloria campi

I received some sad news yesterday. The captain of my varsity soccer team, the 25th Anniversary team that won the MISSL and went to State, died last week at the age of 46. It seems absolutely impossible, not because we’re in our forties or because it shatters some illusion of youthful immortality, but because for me he was an acquaintance who was just a little larger than life.

I met him in 7th grade when I was sent to private school for the first time; we were two of the original class of 1986 that gradually swelled each year. We weren’t friends, but neither were we enemies. He was at the top of the social ladder of our class from the start and I was pretty damn near the bottom for our first three years there. We both played soccer, but as a bigger, more developed, and more skilled player who was the varsity coach’s son, he played two teams ahead of me, on the C-squad.

I didn’t start to get to know him well until we both started taking German classes in 8th grade from his father, who like most coaches was a teacher at the school. An Austrian immigrant, his father was a good coach and a superlative language teacher. Unlike most kids who take high school languages, all of us were fully and comfortably conversational in German after five years in the program. From day one, we were forbidden to speak English in the classroom and only referred to each other there by our German names. His German name was Max, and I will henceforth refer to him that way.

Max was a bully, but not a mean one. He was an Alpha male maintaining his place at the top of the social order, not a cruel individual torturing the bottom-dwellers in order to impress others. He was mercurial, quick to anger and even quicker to smile, laugh, and forget whatever had set off his temper. He was stocky, but not heavy-set, just above average height, with dark blond hair parted in the middle and the sort of pugnacious good looks that are adorable on a little boy, but can look thuggish on the face of an adult.

He was the private school version of a bad boy who sneaked beers into parties, radiated a vague sense of danger, and was usually involved with one of the more attractive girls in our class. His longtime girlfriend, “Liesl”, was a slender athlete who wasn’t especially pretty in the conventional manner, but was the prototypical cool chick everyone liked. We voted her homecoming queen our senior year. When my parents went to Europe for a month during my senior year, I threw a Super Bowl party. Max brought the keg.

I was always wary of Max although he never really hassled me. It was clear that he wasn’t the sort of boy it was wise to cross. But despite having class with him literally every school day for four years, it wasn’t until I finally made the varsity team, on which he’d already been playing for two years, that I discovered his true colors. He was one of the team’s three captains, but there was no question to whom everyone looked for direction. This wasn’t because he was the coach’s son, but because the other captains were both highly gifted players who were too laid-back and self-contained to concern themselves much with what everyone else was doing.

We were supposed to be mediocre that year, since the team only had four lettermen returning after the previous team had gone to the State tournament for the first time since the varsity lost the State championship game when I was in 8th grade. (That made a huge impression on me in junior high, going to the night games with the stands full of cheering, chanting fans.) Prior to the start of the season, we were playing Apple Valley, the defending state champions, in a preseason scrimmage and we were losing one to nothing at halftime.

We were playing poorly and the coach was disgusted. He waved his hand, said he had nothing to say to us, and walked away. Max stood up and promptly lit into every single one of us, sparing no one, not even the bench players. I have no idea what he said, I just remember the raw fury in his eyes as he yelled at us. We went back onto the field, angry and embarrassed, and promptly outplayed the best team in the state. The game ended in a tie.

That set the stage for the season. We destroyed many of the teams we played. Both of the other captains got hat tricks in the first two games, I got mine in the third one. We had an eclectic group of players, a mix of popular boys and outsiders, and although we didn’t necessarily all like each other, we all really enjoyed playing together. We came together as a team in the purest sense of the word; it wasn’t a social group, it wasn’t a gathering of friends, it wasn’t a family, it was a group that came together for a single purpose: every time we stepped onto the field together, we were there to win.

That didn’t mean there weren’t some bumps and bruises in practice. Max was our number 10, and he was a bruiser. He wouldn’t so much steal the ball as bulldoze the player on it before taking it and turning up the field. One day, in practice, he came charging at me and kept coming after I passed the ball away. I saw that he was intending to flatten me, so I swung my elbow around and caught him in the jaw, hard enough to knock him down. I swear, he bounced right off the ground and chased me halfway across the field before enough of our teammates managed to corral him and calm him down.

A few days later, in the middle of a game, I got into some fisticuffs with two Hill-Murray players and was in the process of getting soundly thrashed. Max came flying in, literally threw himself into their bodies and knocked both of them off me. He stood over me until I could scramble to my feet, swearing a blue streak at them all the while. If you were his teammate, he had your back. I’ve played on and against many teams since then, some of them championship teams, and some of them that featured players from Europe’s most famous soccer clubs. But I’ve never known a better team leader than Max. In 27 years of track, martial arts, and soccer since, I’ve never met anyone who was more willing to stand up or throw down on a moment’s notice for a teammate.

We went on to win the conference, defeating an SPA team had two future US National team players and would go on to win two consecutive State championships. Max was named All-Midwest, some of the other players were named All-State, but we didn’t win the State championship. After defeating our hated archrivals, Minneapolis Washburn, in the quarterfinals, a game followed by a brawl so epic it made the 10 PM news, Max scored a goal that was disallowed (erroneously) against Bloomington Kennedy. They scored in overtime to knock us out of the tournament in the semifinals. It was an especially bitter defeat because Kennedy was the team that had defeated our varsity team in the State championship game four years before.

Max and I only saw each other again once after graduation. It was on our home soccer field, an alumni game against a varsity that included two of my younger brothers. They had two 30-goal scorers, one of whom did those fancy flip throw-ins. They were undefeated, and they were more than confident that they would beat up on the old guys without breaking a sweat, as the varsity teams usually did. I scored twice and we won 3-1. It didn’t matter if it was a scrimmage, a State tournament, or an alumni game, if you were playing with Max, then you were going to play to win.

It was a privilege to play with Max, even if only for one season. I wasn’t the only player to feel that way. One of his college teammates, someone I’ve never met, wrote: “He was an unselfish leader and I loved playing with him.” To this day, when I think of a leader, he is the very first individual of whom I think. And if there is a Valhalla for soccer players, I am absolutely certain he will be there in the midfield, taking no prisoners, and inspiring his teammates by word and by deed. Rest in peace, #10.

Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

     
But I with mournful tread,

Walk the deck my Captain lies,

     
Fallen cold and dead.


Dangerous female delusion

This “woman warrior” meme may eventually get a woman killed. And it will all be Joss Whedon’s fault.

UFC women’s bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey recently spoke with Spanish-language daily Hoy newspaper and said that, under the right circumstances, she believes that she could beat heavyweight king Cain Velasquez.

“In any given moment, under the right circumstance, I think it is possible,” Rousey said of beating Velasquez when asked if she thought she could.

“You cannot tell me that it is physically impossible. It is possible that in any given moment that I could beat him. I simply believe in my possibilities.”

The Olympic judo bronze medalist never seems to lack in confidence but her assertion that she could beat Velasquez despite giving up about a hundred pounds in weight, might seem over the top. Before you’re quick to criticize “Rowdy” Ronda as delusional, however, remember that competitive fighting is necessarily an audacious practice.

In order to have a chance at successfully facing the tension of a fight, fighters need to believe in themselves to a ridiculous degree. In effect, all Rousey is saying is that, in a hypothetical situation where she had to fight Velasquez for some insane reason, she wouldn’t just curl up and die – she’d fight on and believes that she’d find a way to win somehow.

I suppose it’s true, if by “under the right circumstance” she means that she is armed with a .357 revolver and Velasquez is blindfolded with his arms and legs chained to a wooden pole.

But if she’s talking about the octagon, the fact is that Rousey not only couldn’t beat Velasquez, she couldn’t last two minutes with me or any other man under the age of 60 who has even a modicum of genuine martial arts experiment. Keep in mind that Rousey weighs all of 135 pounds. I weigh a good deal less than Velasquez and I curl that much weight. In fact, I did 8×110 this very afternoon. Also, she clearly has no idea how much faster men are than her, nor how little ability she has to take a full-force blow from a bigger, stronger, faster man.

As I mentioned before, I once tried to go toe-to-toe with 225-pound Marine at a time when I gave up about 50 pounds to him. I was just as strong as he was; we lifted together a few times. And being faster, I may have even hit him a little harder than he hit me, but I simply couldn’t stand up to his shots the way he could take mine. It’s not about being tough, it’s about having enough mass to absorb the force that is striking you.

Anyhow, the sooner someone makes Rousey put her body where her mouth is, the sooner this lunacy will end. It’s just irresponsible for female fighters like her to be mouthing off in this regard because as long as the warrior woman delusion persists, there is a chance some idiot girl is going to get her skull fractured as a result.


How fit are you?

I tried the Fitness Calculator and the results were not too bad.

Your VO2MAX is calculated to be 51
Your estimated “fitness age” is 32

Well, they weren’t too bad except in comparison with SB’s score, which I will not report for fear of inspiring widespread suicide among the female population. The estimated fitness age is interesting, in that I am able to hold my own in veteran’s soccer despite my advanced age, but simply cannot play with the first team the way I could back when I was actually 32.


VPFL Week 8

86 Suburban Churchians (4-4)
60 Mounds View Meerkats (3-5)

79 63Mercury Marauders (4-4)
59 Greenfield Grizzlies (6-2)

77 RR Redbeards (4-4)
64 Boot Hill Hangmen (2-4)

81 Fromundah Cheezheads (7-1)
60 Bailout Banksters (3-5)

94 Bane Sidhe (5-3)
45 Bradford Gamma Rays (2-4)

The Meerkats are scoring, they’re just not scoring enough to keep up with the Grizzlies and Cheezheads. Both Aaron Rodgers and Arian Foster are underperforming this year, which is disappointing.

Though not as disappointing as the meltdown at Minnesota QB. If, as per Coach Frazier, starting Ponder gives the Vikings their best chance to win today, they obviously don’t have much of a chance to win.


When hope dies

Let none ever say the football gods are not cruel:

In January of 1975, after the Vikings lost to the Steelers in the Super Bowl, Emmett Pearson made a promise. He wouldn’t shave his beard until the Vikings won a Super Bowl. He kept that promise, too.

Most likely, Pearson never figured he’d live another 38 years without shaving – a trim, maybe – and die with his beard intact.

The fan from Welch Township, Minn., who got a bit of attention a few years ago when the Vikings almost made the Super Bowl, died at 83 years old on Monday, according to his obituary.

Pearson was 31 years old for the Vikings’ first season in 1961, and lived until he was 83. And he never saw his team win it all. The Vikings lost four Super Bowls and had a good chance to win it all a few other times, most notably 1998 and 2009, only to fall short in heartbreaking fashion in the NFC championship game.

Anklebiters and other critics would do well to keep this in mind when they’re trying to get my goat: I’ve been a die-hard Vikings fan since I was a little boy. What can you possibly do beyond what the the No-Name Defense, the Steel Curtain, John Madden’s Raiders, Roger Staubach, Drew Pearson, Denny Green, Gary Anderson, Brad Childress, and Tracy Porter have already done?

Some people consider me heartless. But then, what Vikings fan isn’t?

My theory is that it was probably the Josh Freeman debacle that killed the poor guy. When you’re resorting to starting Christian Ponder after exhausting every other possible option, it is eminently clear that there is no hope.


VPFL Week 6

64 Fromundah Cheezheads (6-0)
60 Greenfield Grizzlies (5-1)

89 Mounds View Meerkats (3-3)
26 Boot Hill Hangmen (2-4)

64 Bailout Banksters (3-3)
43 Bane Sidhe (3-3)

88 Suburban Churchians (3-3)
83 ’63 Mercury Marauders (2-4)

60 RR Redbeards (2-4)
57 Bradford Gamma Rays (1-5)

It appears the Matt Cassel era has ended already in Minnesota. It wasn’t that Cassel actually looked worse than Christian Ponder; among other things, his interceptions had some pop on them and were thrown downfield rather than on curls and three-yard outs where they are liable to be returned for touchdowns. But he definitely showed that he was unable to create any space for Adrian Peterson to run.

Tom Powers and other Minnesota columnists have speculated that it might be time for a Herschel Walker trade. And if Trent Richardson commanded a first round draft pick, one would think AD would be worth at least three. But that’s not likely to happen due to salary cap considerations that weren’t a problem back in the Walker days.

And, if one looks at the St. Louis Rams, it’s hard to argue that three first round draft picks are going to create some sort of magical difference with a GM who passed on drafting both Colin Kaepernick and Russell Wilson in favor of Christian Ponder at the helm. The Rams collected a nice bounty of draft picks for RGIII, but they’re still 2.5 games behind the Seahawks in the NFC West.


The O-word

Bob Costas, Peter King, Bill Simmons, and ProFootballTalk are waging a remarkably stupid crusade to ban the name of the Washington Redskins because they believe that mentioning Native Americans is offensive. Apparently they would prefer that the Native Americans were not only stowed away on reservations, but every last reference to them was scrubbed from the public discourse as well.

Ironically, they would have been advised to wage their campaign against the Oklahoma Sooners and the Oklahoma State Cowboys.  As per Wikipedia:

Oklahoma: oʊkləˈhoʊmə (Pawnee: Uukuhuúwa, Cayuga: Gahnawiyoˀgeh) is a state located in Southern United States. Oklahoma is the 20th most extensive and the 28th most populous of the 50 United States. The state’s name is derived from the Choctaw words okla and humma, meaning “RED PEOPLE“.

How dreadfully offensive! This campaign is simply the product of left-liberal nannies who spent absolutely no time looking into the subject before they start wagging their fingers and declaring what absolutely must be done.


Word of warning

Never, never, never use clips when going even moderately heavy with free weights. Some people put them on to keep the weights from sliding, but they can be disastrous, potentially even fatal.

Until three weeks ago, it had been nearly six months since I last went heavy, courtesy of a nagging shoulder injury. Yesterday, I started out with 10×225, and pyramided up to 275, which I did with a spotter. At failure, we forced four of them, then I took 50 pounds off to rep out. (Note to self: rep out at 195 next time.) My spotter didn’t realize my intentions and left the weight room without me realizing he had gone. I didn’t think of asking for a spot, because it was only 225, after all, forgetting that I’d already hit complete muscle failure.

I did as many as I could, then stupidly decided that I had enough left in me for one more, which turned out not to be true.  When the bar didn’t make it up, and then didn’t make it up on the second try – as if it ever would –  I glanced around and realized I was alone in the weight room. So, there I was, sitting with 225 pounds suspended over my chest, which left me with three options.

  1. Shout for help. Yeah, right.
  2. Roll the bar down my chest until I could sit up. It turns out this works fine with 95, at least as long as you’re not wearing a weight belt. Not so well with 225.
  3. Dump them.

So, I went for option three. Tilt the bar left until the first plate drops off, then pull down on that side to prevent the two plates on the right from slamming onto the floor too violently. This worked and didn’t even attract any attention from anyone, which was nice. However, this would not have been an option had I put clips on.

Clips are fine for curls and skullbangers and so forth. But don’t ever use them when you’re benching or squatting, even if you’re not alone.


This guy isn’t disabled

I used to go to Gopher football games back when Tony Dungy was the quarterback. I still remember when they upset Michigan. I couldn’t believe it when they moved their games to that ridiculous Dome. And they haven’t won the Big 10 since before I was born. But if they do, in my lifetime, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was due to the toughness and determination of their epileptic coach:

Immediately after Jerry Kill has a seizure on the sideline, one longtime assistant takes over the headset and communicates with officials. The defensive coordinator handles the postgame news conference and splits the remaining news media obligations with the offensive coordinator. Should Kill miss practice, they revert to their schedule from a week earlier, with adjustments based on their next opponent.

Always, Kill returns soon after to his office at the University of Minnesota. The assistants come to work and see him at his desk and nod and head to their own offices, not a word exchanged. 
Kill, 52, is a reconstruction specialist, an expert in taking over
feeble programs and turning them into something better. He is probably
also the only college football coach in the country who has a seizure
protocol. There is no three-ring binder or written list of step-by-step
instructions, only the calm and routine borne from years spent side by
side with his trusted assistants, as they climbed from the lower levels
of college football to the Big Ten. 
Three times in the last three seasons, Kill could not finish games
because of epileptic seizures. Each time, thousands witnessed him
splayed on the ground, as spasms shot through his limbs and his body
shook uncontrollably and some of his players cried.

Talk about the courage of being willing to get up again after being knocked down; this man epitomizes it. The life lesson he is teaching his players, however upsetting it is to them, is much more valuable than the Xs and Os.


Enough already

I like the idea of fewer preseason games, but further watering down the playoffs is not going to make them more exciting.  What makes the playoffs exciting is that they are exceptional games, so the more playoff games there are, the less exceptional and exciting they become.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reported Sunday that the league is “urgently discussing” the possibility of shortening the preseason from four games to three, with that adjustment coming hand-in-hand with an expansion of the playoff field from 12 to 14 teams.

“That would offset teams’ lost revenue from the elimination of a preseason game, and it also could lead to additional television revenues for the league,” Mortensen wrote on ESPN.com.

Commissioner Roger Goodell strongly hinted at the possibility of a more populated postseason in an NFL.com interview last week. “A reasonable argument could be made that there are teams that should qualify for the playoffs and don’t and could win the Super Bowl,” Goodell told Judy Battista. “I don’t think we want to expand just to have more teams. We want to create more excitement, more interest and give teams a chance to win the Super Bowl.

A 14-team playoff — seven teams per conference — likely would limit first-round byes to just the top qualifying team. With that setup, six teams from both the AFC and NFC would compete in the current “wild-card round,” giving the NFL an extra game that weekend. The divisional round would maintain its current format.

I’d much rather see the playoffs consist of all four division winners only. No wild cards.  The second-round games are rarely all that entertaining; home teams win 74 percent of divisional playoff games compared to 57 percent of regular-season games. Anything that strengthens divisional play is good, anything that weakens in in the names of benefiting “the best teams” is short-sighted foolishness for the love of trouble-making.

There is nothing unfair about an 11-5 team sitting home when an 8-8 team goes to the playoffs. Win your division. Unless you’re dumb enough to go all the way, throw out the playoffs altogether and simply award the league championship to the team with the best regular season record, you’ve already conceded the point.  You’re just quibbling over where the line is drawn.