Tag: film

I’m no fan of Ricky Gervais, whom I generally consider to be a “so-called comedian”, but even I have to admit that he crushed it at the Golden Globes last night:

Hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel here in Los Angeles. I’m Ricky Gervais, thank you.

You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking. I never did. I’m joking, I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either — fifth time. I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets — hello?

Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they’ve no idea what Twitter is, so I got offered this gig by fax. Let’s go out with a bang, let’s have a laugh at your expense. Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that.

But you all look lovely all dolled up. You came here in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. No, shush. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. OK? That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.

Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. This table alone — Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro … Baby Yoda. Oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man. Don’t have me whacked.

But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background. They all have one thing in common: They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for ya.

Talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care.

Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. Hollywood Foreign press are all very racist. Fifth time. So. We were going to do an In-Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people who died, it wasn’t diverse enough. No, it was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch. Maybe next year. Let’s see what happens.

No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to cinema, no one really watches network TV.Everyone is watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out, going, ‘Well done Netflix. You win everything. Good night.’ But no, we got to drag it out for three hours.

You could binge-watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself cause his wife dies of cancer and it’s still more fun than this. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend but I don’t care.

Seriously, most films are awful. Lazy. Remakes, sequels. I’ve heard a rumor there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl just going, ‘Well, it’s gotta be this one then.’

All the best actors have jumped to Netflix, HBO. And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy-adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore. It’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really. Have we got an award for most ripped junky? No point, we’d know who’d win that.

Martin Scorsese made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him about theme parks. I agree. Although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides. He’s tiny.

The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. It was great. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew was like, ‘Come on, Leo, mate.You’re nearly 50-something.’

The world got to see James Corden as a fat p****. He was also in the movie Cats. No one saw that movie. And the reviews, shocking. I saw one that said, ‘This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.’ But Dame Judi Dench defended the film saying it was the role she was born to play because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her [expletive]. (Coughs) Hairball. She’s old-school.

It’s the last time, who cares? Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. Well, you say you’re woke but the companies you work for in China — unbelievable. Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you?

So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.

So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God and f*** off, OK? It’s already three hours long. Right, let’s do the first award.

The tide, she is turning. If Gervais keeps this up, he’ll be on Unauthorized within 18 months.

The Devil Mouse is taking a serious bath on Episode IX. Compare and contrast the per theater performance of the most recent excrescence with three other films:

• Avengers Endgame: $25,534 3-day avg, 43{de336c7190f620554615b98f51c6a13b1cc922a472176e2638084251692035b3} decline from D1 to D3
• The Force Awakens: $19,994 3-day avg, 49{de336c7190f620554615b98f51c6a13b1cc922a472176e2638084251692035b3} decline
• The Last Jedi: $17,328.67, 3-day avg, 51{de336c7190f620554615b98f51c6a13b1cc922a472176e2638084251692035b3} decline
• The Rise of Skywalker: $13,278 3-day avg, 58{de336c7190f620554615b98f51c6a13b1cc922a472176e2638084251692035b3} decline

In other words, despite Episode 9 opening to barely half of the Avengers finale, its audience is dropping off more rapidly. This points to a domestic box office that will be less than three-quarters of its predecessor, or around $450 million.

Between this and the failure of the Galaxy’s Edge theme parks, no wonder Disney’s debt is skyrocketing.

Cataline does not recommend The Rise of Skywalker:

The Rise of Skywalker shows every sign of having been repeatedly dismembered and put together again in the editing room, like a patchwork Frankenstein of a movie. Various versions of scenes were cut, then recut. Then slapped together into a final cut. Then pulled apart again when that version tested badly. Then various teams went back to editing mines to try to cobble together, something else slightly more pleasing testing gods.

It was a very surreal experience to watch this cinematic train wreck. I wasn’t angry like I was when I saw The Last Jedi because all of my disappointments had been front-loaded because almost all of the leaks were accurate. What I saw was hideous but there were no hideous surprises because I had done all of my groaning and eye-rolling well in advance. I was calm and resigned.

This is your spoiler alert but I suspect you already know most of the horrors that lie beneath this sentence already.

The movie starts with the standard title followed by a screen crawl that tells you almost nothing. There is has been a galaxy-wide transmission from Palpatine. Remember him. The guy Darth Vader threw down the light shaft in Return of the Jedi?

Well, it turns out that Anakin Skywalker’s entire redemption story arc was a complete waste of his life and your time because Palpatine survived being chucked into a bottomless pit and then getting blown up in a Deathstar explosion.

Trevor Lynch didn’t like it any better:

Even I didn’t expect Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker to be this bad. It is simply a terrible movie: derivative, incoherent, arbitrary, superficial, and deeply boring and uninvolving—despite, or maybe because of, the frenetic action sequences, dazzling duels, and effects so special they’ll leave carbon scoring on your eyeballs.

The Rise of Skywalker is 2 hours, 22 minutes long, which is long enough, but it feels even longer. I saw it in a half-empty theatre, and when Harrison Ford showed up on the screen, a whole row of people began streaming toward the exits. It would have been the last straw for me too, but I had my duty to you, dear reader, to sustain me….

Since Abrams and Johnson managed to remake and mock the whole original trilogy in only two films, Abrams was in an uncomfortable position in The Rise of Skywalker: he might have to actually come up with something original. Of course he tries to minimize the shock of doing something really new by bringing back the original cast some more. Luke and Han Solo are both dead, but Luke comes back as a ghost and Han as a figment of his son’s imagination. Carrie Fisher really is dead, but Abrams cleverly incorporates unused footage from the first movie. He also finds Billy Dee Williams in carbonite to reprise the role of Lando Calrissian. But the greatest surprise is that he resurrects Emperor Palpatine.

Yes, I know, the last time we saw Emperor Palpatine, he was thrown down a shaft in the second Death Star, followed by a big explosion that we interpreted as the release of malign energies when he went splat at the bottom, followed by the destruction of the whole damn Death Star, to add an even greater air of finality.

But, as in the Roadrunner cartoons, when Wile E. Coyote falls to his death through a portable hole, or blows himself up with a bomb, or gets an anvil dropped on his head, only to be magically resurrected moments later for further adventures with the bird, Palpatine is back to spare Jar Jar Abrams the necessity of coming up with a new villain after Rian Johnson casually dispensed with Snoke.

The trouble is that, for all his Gungans and Ewoks and juvenile dialogue, George Lucas’ Star Wars still had a bit more realism and existential heft and credibility than Roadrunner cartoons.

As has been my custom with every Star Wars movie since The Phantom Menace, I will honor my childhood affection for the original film by refusing to see the latest.

I wonder who is still buying the obvious shill-o-ganda from the Devil Mouse? Besides, of course, the mainstream media.

It’s the final film in the Skywalker saga that concludes the nine-film epic space opera. And critics were full of praise for Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker as they revealed their initial reactions to seeing the film at the Los Angeles premiere on Monday night.

While Disney has embargoed full reviews until Wednesday, those inside the three cinemas screening the film were so delighted they took to Twitter to give their spoiler-free thoughts on the film on Tuesday.

‘I am absolutely blown away!’ Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker received RAVE first reactions from critics as they gushed on Tuesday about the ‘immensely satisfying’ conclusion

Calling the J.J. Abrams-directed film an ‘immensely satisfying’, many critics claimed it was a ‘fitting end’ to the franchise. SlashFilm’s Peter Scrietta gushed that ‘JJ Abrams nailed it, as he added: ‘He was able to bring a cohesive arc to this trilogy that feels like a fitting end to the saga as a whole. I’m so emotionally drained. Star Wars fans will be very happy.’

While SYFY Wire’s Jenna Busch added: ‘OH MY GOD! I am absolutely blown away! I’ve never been so satisfied by a film. This is the end of an era and a franchise that has defined my life and this did it justice in a way I didn’t imagine it could. You WILL cry….’

Color me EXTREMELY dubious. Of course, I haven’t seen a single Star Wars film since The Phantom Menace, so perhaps those who are more tolerant of bad cinema and terrible SF will genuinely be entertained.

It won’t be long before the Wicked Witch is redrawn as a Misunderstood Stepmother in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves:

A new report details that Disney will be censoring a number of its classic movies for its upcoming streaming service Disney+. CNBC reports that the streaming service will not offer its Academy Award winning 1946 animated feature Song of the South.

That really isn’t a surprise as Disney has never released the film in any home video format in the United States before. Back in 2011, Disney CEO Bob Iger explained the decision to not release Song of the South noting the film “wouldn’t necessarily sit right or feel right to a number of people today.”

It’s possible more censorship will be coming for Disney’s older movies. In the upcoming Lady and The Tramp live-action remake, the classic “The Siamese Cat Song” will be removed from the film with a new song replacing it.

I suspect the move to anodyne and inoffensive entertainment is going to serve animated movies about as well as it has served modern comedy.

If you are a serious – and I mean VERY SERIOUS – film expert, and you would like to get paid to write a few thousand trivia questions about the movies, please email me with FILM in the subject.

In completely unrelated news, we have posted instructions for loading mobi files onto Kindle devices and apps in response to Amazon’s enhancement of your user experience at Arkhaven. Because apparently Amazon, like all Big Tech companies, hates its users and wants to them to be unhappy, it has recently removed from mobile versions of the Kindle reader the ability to directly open .mobi files in the device.

Milo reviews Joker:

This is a film about a young man who is driven by the rampant, illegitimate cruelty around him to do appalling things. The message, the moral of the story, is that Joker is what is going to happen to us soon, unless these dissociated and disaffected young males find something better to believe in. This is our future, unless society starts treating them—treating us—with the respect and dignity we deserve.

In every outdoor shot, Arthur Fleck is surrounded by the signs of decadent late capitalism. This is a failed nostalgia because although the film is set some forty years ago, it could just as well be playing out today. Pornography and drugs flood the streets, and there are signs everywhere telling Fleck—and the viewer—to grin and bear it, to “put on a happy face.” We’ve been told that for some time now, haven’t we? We’ve been told to turn a blind eye to the excesses of modern feminism, because, well, ladies had it pretty rough back in the day guys, didn’t they? We’ve been told to go easy on race-baiting conspiracy theorists because, you know, you’re white and so you’ve inherited all that privilege, my guy! After all, aren’t we the aggressors—the historical oppressors of just about everyone else?

This nonsense, this desperate plea for pity in the face of historical reality, is wearing pretty fucking thin in 2019. While we are being bamboozled, society has become hostile to its own engines of progress and creation, alienating and spurning Christians, men, heterosexuals and, yes, white people. The after-effects of this terrible neglect are setting in, and the young men I know are searching for a means to sublimate their rage and pain. And they want someone—anyone—to say: You are right to be furious.

The filmmakers are mocking the rightful wrath that is to come because they fear it. But the day of Deus Vult is coming and there is no power on Earth that can stop it. Remember, every knee SHALL bow.

Willingly or unwillingly, even the haters and enemies of God will bend the knee before Jesus Christ.

I agree with Milo when he says the West is primed for a religious revival. The bankruptcy of the Enlightenment, the dead end of hedonistic degeneracy, the vacuousness of science, and the unadulterated wickedness of the satanists is becoming abundantly clear to everyone with eyes.

You are right to hate the wicked. And you are right to be furious.

When even the guys who managed to ruin A Game of Thrones in the final season are walking away from the Devil Mouse and Star Wars in favor of riding a debt-laden Netflix down into the ground:

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, the duo who in 2011 launched the singular screen sensation known as Game of Thrones, have walked away from their much-publicized deal with Disney’s Lucasfilm to launch a feature film trilogy in 2022. Benioff and Weiss were supposed to usher in the post-Skywalkera era of the Star Wars brand with a 2022 new-start story that would stake out a new frontier for the era-defining cinema brand created by George Lucas. 

Think about how much damage the Devil Mouse has done to the Star Wars brand in just a few short years. It’s really astonishing to observe the extent to which the corporate cancer of social justice convergence destroys the value of even the most marketable brands.

And you know the sick freaks of Evilwood will kneel to power, as they always do, which is an indictment on the so-called “conservatives” of America:

In a shocking twist not unlike the ending of a Quentin Tarantino film or two, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’s China box office ambitions appear to be going up in flames.

The critically acclaimed movie, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt, had been approved for release in China on Oct. 25, but regulators have abruptly reversed course.

According to multiple sources close to the situation in Beijing, who asked not to be named because they weren’t permitted to speak publicly about the matter, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’s local release has been indefinitely put on hold.

The film would have been Tarantino’s first proper release in China, and the country’s enormous market was expected to help push the title’s worldwide box office total past the $400 million mark (it has earned $366 million to date). The abrupt change-up comes as a blow to both Sony Pictures and the film’s Chinese financier, Beijing-based Bona Film Group.

As The Hollywood Reporter reported exclusively in January, Bona took a sizable equity stake in Once Upon a Time, which gave the company participation in the film’s worldwide box office, as well as distribution rights in Greater China. Bona’s CEO Yu Dong and COO Jeffrey Chan are both prominently credited as executive producers of the film.

As is typical in China, no official explanation for the cancellation has been offered by Beijing regulators. Bona didn’t reply to text messages and emails, and Sony’s China office could not immediately be reached.

But the story swirling through the executive ranks of China’s film industry Friday was that the decision stemmed from Tarantino’s somewhat controversial portrayal of martial arts hero Bruce Lee, the only character of Chinese descent in the movie. Friends and family of the late Lee have blasted the director for the depiction, saying the real-life action star didn’t behave as he’s portrayed in the film.

According to sources close to Bona and China’s Film Bureau, Bruce Lee’s daughter, Shannon Lee, made a direct appeal to China’s National Film Administration, asking that it demand changes to her father’s portrayal.

It’s amusing to see how the combination of Trump, Putin, and Xi is revealing the essential helplessness of the permanent inversives to everyone. The defeat of the West and the conquest of America has been shown to consist of nothing more than word spells cast by evil wizards of rhetoric upon an innocent and somewhat retarded people.

Ever notice how offending Christians is always defended as “artistic integrity” but they’ll cast that integrity aside the moment anyone actually stands firm? Never take a wizard’s spell at face value.

Actor and LGBTQ activist Billy Porter has confirmed that he will play the role of the Fairy Godmother in James Corden’s forthcoming live-action movie musical Cinderella.
“I have a couple of movies that I’m working on,” Porter announced on the New Yorker‘s Instagram Stories. “I’m gonna be playing the fairy godmother in the new Cinderella movie with Camila Cabello.”

E! News reports that the 22-year-old Cabello will play the role of Cinderella while also helping to write the film’s music. Porter and Cabello are currently the only two actors announced for the remake, which is described as a “modern re-imagining of the classic fairytale.”

See, he’s a FAIRY godmother. Get it! So clever. So brave. Thank you for this.