Interview with an Elder God

While rooting around my WND audio interviews, I discovered an old interview from the 2012 election season with an unlikely political figure.

We are deeply privileged to have the opportunity to speak with another potential candidate for the presidency. He’s been asleep beneath the ice for centuries, but now he’s up, he’s active, and he’s thinking about throwing his tentacles in the ring in 2012! So, I’m pleased to welcome The Thing That Should Not Be himself, Dread Chtulhu! So, Mighty Cthulhu, I understand you’re thinking about a run for the presidency!

Yes, America has tried voting for the lesser evil and you’ve seen how that’s worked out. It’s time to vote for the Greater Evil!

And that would be you?

Yes, of course. Unless Hillary gets into the race again.

But you haven’t made up your mind yet.

Not yet. There are some issues.


Potential problems.

Like what?

I’m afraid there may be a few indiscreet tweets.


Hey, when you’re sleeping beneath the Antarctic Ice, things can get a little slow, you know what I mean?

You’re on Twitter? Who were you tweeting with?

Arianna Huffington. That is one NASTY greek goddess. She’s got a mouth that I can only describe as FILTHY. Nice lady.

Arianna Huffington, wow. Okay, anyone else?

Well, I sent a picture to that little singer girl, Justin Beeber, but she didn’t hit me back.

I think Bieber is a boy.

IS HE? Oh… well, wouldn’t that have been embarrassing.

You said a picture? What kind of picture?

Yeah, well, you want to talk about some RIDICULOUS BULGES. I got ’em. Lots of ’em.

I’m not sure America is ready for a naked tweeting president, Cthulhu.

Who said anything about naked? I was wearing silk boxers.

Classy. But still….

Let me set one thing straight. When the American people vote for Cthulhu, they will get the promised evil. The Greater Evil. Nonstop, full-time, pure and dedicated evil. I will devour puppies. I will tear the heads off foreign heads of state, and I will make America FEARED again!

You don’t think that sounds too much like Mitt Romney’s platform?

Does it? Hmmm, perhaps I’ll have to rethink my position on healthcare then.

So you’re in?

First we have to see if this Beeber girl goes to the press or not.

What about Arianna?

We’ve got a date this weekend. We’re going to see the Hangover 2. I love that little naked Japanese guy. Makes me laugh every time.

Thank you, Great Cthulhu. America’s next president or long-deceased elder god worshipped by mad homicidal cultists? Only time will tell.