The Mary-Sueist of all Mary Sues

Daddy Warpig watches The Force Awakens again, and concludes that it is even worse than he’d thought the first time.

When first she meets another primary character, Rey saves both their lives, even in the face of his bumbling machismo which threatens to get them both killed. Then she flies a starship for the very first time (completely untrained) and—though a rank amateur—she pulls off several maneuvers Han Solo would have had trouble duplicating even on his very best day as a pilot. Then her and Finn spend an entire hour gushing over how awesome she is. Then she goes to repair the ship—no mention how an untutored scavenger from the back of the back of beyond knows how to service a damned starship, much less the Millennium Falcon, a ship which gave even an astromech droid (MADE for starship repair) the fits—and gets to yell at Finn because he’s so damn incompetent. And she speaks droid, AND she speaks Wookie. And she releases monsters to kill bad guys (which she thought was the wrong thing to do, but turns out she was mistaken as the monsters eat up all the bad guys. (This is the only time she’s ever wrong, in the entire movie.)) With the tough, criminal bad guys dead or running, Rey saves Finn, Han, and Chewie from certain death at the hands of the monsters she released. And she deftly repairs the Millennium Falcon—AGAIN.

This will not happen in Embers of Empire. I guarantee it.  In fact, let’s provide another unedited excerpt from the first Faraway Wars novel.

“Your reputation for boldness precedes you, Lord Dawntreader,” Jesla said. “But this offense will not go unanswered.”

Dawntreader smiled. “Lady Haut-Estas. You took the words right out of my mouth.”

The young aristocrat forged ahead, undeterred by the implied threat. “Seizing my ship would be a gross abuse of authority in any circumstance. Now that my father has withdrawn our world from the Commonwealth, it amounts to an act of war.”

“Your father’s pretensions are of no interest to me,” Dawntreader said, unmoved. “But when his actions jeopardize the peace that better men fought and died for, he becomes my problem.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

Dawntreader fixed his artificial eye on her. “You know nothing of the assassination attempt that killed Senator Dra’s son?”

The young woman glanced down at the deck and shook her head quickly, confirming that he’d chosen the right line of questioning. He moved close enough to smell her perfume and lowered his voice as if confiding in a friend.

“Let me tell you what I know, my Lady. I know that your father is inciting the Independent League to open rebellion. I know he’s seeking military support from the remnants of the imperial forces scattered about the galaxy, and I know you’re serving as a courier between him and the various factions.”

“That’s not true!” Jesla protested. But her breathing quickened.

Dawntreader pressed her harder. “Koidu wields great influence in the new Senate, and Shuru Dra has my sister’s ear. She is going to be angry, very angry about the murder of his son. I expect she’ll call for armed intervention on Esto—unless I give her a reason not to do so. Can you give me that reason?”

Jesla’s cowed demeanor gave way to sudden indignation. She turned a withering glare on her captor.

“The Insurgency—what a farce you have become! You and your sister do not represent the whole galaxy, and even if you weren’t despised by half the planets in it, you’re not fighting an oppressive Empire anymore. You are the oppressors now!”

“My sister merely leads one of many Senate coalitions,” Dawntreader corrected her. “She does not oppress anyone.”

“Don’t be obtuse, Lord Dawntreader. What was once a popular revolution is now your sister’s personality cult. Oceans of blood were shed, and entire planets were lost overthrowing one tyrant! We don’t want another one! We didn’t seek to trade an Emperor for an Empress!”