From the Onion:
At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
With audible murmurs of “This is no way to live,” “What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,” and “Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place,” all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.
The fact that one of the chief accomplishments of science and technology is to permit people to live in their own filth like factory chickens without dying like flies should tell you all that you need to know about city life. And spare me the blather about the wonderful museums and so forth. No one actually goes there.
Consider: the Metropolitan Museum of Art is the top ranked museum in the country. It has all of 4.9 million visitors per year. If we assume that absolutely none of those visitors were tourists who don’t live in New York City, that means that the average New Yorker visits the museum 0.58 times per year.
Don’t get me wrong, being a libertarian I fully support the right of moronic urbanophiles to live in ludicrously over-priced and over-regulated squalor. I simply don’t find it sophisticated, enviable, or even fathomable.