Being blissfully ignorant of all things related to past and present Academy Awards, I was a little uncertain about what to do when we were invited to an Oscar-themed party this weekend thrown by a couple with whom we are friends. We were asked to write an acceptance speech and give it as if we had won an award; naturally this responsibility was delegated to the writer-half of the couple. After Spacebunny rejected my first idea, which was to simply strip and reveal a succinct “Soy Bomb” message – she correctly pointed out that was the Grammys and not the Oscars – I decided that one could not go wrong with following the lead of Mr. Marlon Brando. Hence the following speech.
Hello. My name is Anakin Skywalker. I’m a Sith Lord and I am a vice-president of the Galactic Affirmative Image Committee for the Dark Side of the Force.
I’m representing the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic this evening, and he has asked me to tell you in a very long speech which I cannot share with you presently, because of time, but I will be glad to share with the press afterwards, that he very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award for Most Sadistically Egregious Abuse of an Overused and Outdated Metaphor.
And the reasons for this being the treatment of Sith Lords today by the film industry, and on television in movie re-runs, and also with recent incidents on Naboo, Ondoran, and the fourth Moon of Yavin.
I beg at this time that I have not intruded upon this evening, and that in the future, our hearts and our understandings will meet with love, generosity, and if need be, the genocidal destruction of every sentient race that dares to oppose the will of the Sith.
Thank you on behalf of Darth Sidious.
To properly appreciate the effect, imagine that you have a few drinks in you. And also note that in in addition to wearing black tie, I happened to be sporting a Darth Vader mask while being accompanied by the host providing the requisite bronchial chorus.