The Porker Principle

Science proves that the average woman quits trying to stay in shape once she get married:

It is widely known that women tend to gain weight after giving birth, but now a large study has found evidence that even among childless women, those who live with a mate put on more pounds than those who live without one. The differences, the scientists found, were stark. After adjusting for other variables, the 10-year weight gain for an average 140-pound woman was 20 pounds if she had a baby and a partner, 15 if she had a partner but no baby, and only 11 pounds if she was childless with no partner…. There is no reason to believe that having a partner causes metabolic changes, so the weight gain among childless women with partners was almost surely caused by altered behavior.

A recent British survey showed similar conclusions, as 22 percent of new brides put on an average of 21 pounds in their first year of marriage. Which shouldn’t be surprising, given that “More than half said they no longer worried about their appearance and weight after their big day.”

Basically, if you’re not marrying a gym bunny, there’s a pretty good chance she’s going to pork on you the moment she gets that ring. On the other hand, if you see a slender, attractive woman over the age of 30 with a child at the beach in Europe, you can be almost certain that she has between two and four more. For some reason, the chubbos tend to have only one child, occasionally two, while the slender ones average four. But I have no idea whether this is the result of being disciplined, being too busy to sit around and eat, or some combination of the two. Regardless, I’m sure some evolutionary enthusiast can concoct a fairy tale to explain it.