Ben Bernanke went to the doctor

He was hoping to discover the source of two itching, irritating lumps that had appeared overnight in his rectum. Was this what hemorrhoids were? What were the symptoms of rectal cancer? Surely it couldn’t be… he scratched fretfully at his bothered bottom and for a moment knew a pang of bitter remorse for that drunken night spent with a tattooed sailor so many years ago.

The doctor gestured, and the powerful Chairman of the Federal Reserve dropped his pants.

“Bend over,” the doctor said, reaching for a flashlight. “A bit more, please.”

“What is it, doctor?” asked the nervous banker, too worried to protest the indignity to which he was being subjected.

“Not to worry, Mr. Bernanke,” replied the doctor, removing his rubber gloves and tossing them into the trash. “You’re perfectly well. It’s only Jack Welch and Larry Kudlow.”

KUDLOW: Jack is he [Bernanke] making the sale in your judgment? Is he winning the support of the people? This is such a controversial issue. Opinion polls show that folks do not like these bailouts. Do you think Bernanke himself personally made the sale last night?

WELCH: Well he gave a tremendous presentation Larry last night. He was thoughtful. He was measured. He really radiated confidence. And we need more than anything else, confidence. And he also laid out the challenge for the political forces. He said the pressure will be do we have the political will to make the fix? And that is a real challenge for Washington. He said we’re going to need to go after it with a vengeance. He studied the Depression more than anyone. He’s making a lot of right moves; he’s made a lot of right moves. I’ve been supporting him in our column for the last four months. I think he’s made a ton of right moves, and I happen to believe that he laid the gauntlet down to Washington. Do they have the political will to back up what he needs, the firepower he needs, to get the job done Larry. I think he did a magnificent job.

KUDLOW: You know, I worked for Arthur Burns and Paul Volcker at the New York Fed. Of course like you I knew Greenspan very, very well. I think this is the best television communications performance of any Fed chairman in my lifetime. And I agree with you sir, he did get the job done. And I think he did more to help Obama and all the issues toward recovery than anything we’ve seen so far. He stood alone. He deserves reappointment doesn’t he?

WELCH: Absolutely Larry. He did a job on a broad spectrum. He grabbed the country and he challenged the politicians.

Now you know the economy is headed for the deepest of dismal dire. I haven’t heard praise this obsequious and wildly over the top since the CNBC crew were committing acts of public auto-eroticism over Alan Greenspan’s “masterful” performances while he was inflating the housing bubble. There’s nothing that talking heads and big business love more than the sound of printing presses rolling. You would think that after the financial carnage of the last six months, they would have learned to look more than a quarter ahead.