Your Weekly Wanker

All the news you need to know from Down Under:

Attempting to reassure anxious donors, Hillary Rodham Clinton on Sunday outlined a road map she said she will follow to beat Barack Obama in the Ohio and Texas primaries March 4. One donour put up his hand and asked, “So, I’m not supposed to ask how Obama is going to die accidentally am I?”

U.S. Marines in helicopters and Humvees flooded into a Taliban-held town in southern Afghanistan’s most violent province early Tuesday, the first major American operation in the region in years. When asked why they couldn’t just bomb everything from the sky a Marine said they were trying the human touch.

The Bank of England today announced a $100 billion plan to allow banks to swap mortgage-backed securities for Treasury bills. The government said it was prepared to accept bad debt on behalf of the people and said the people were prepared to accept more taxes on behalf of the people.

China has branded the Dalai Lama a ‘wolf in monk’s robes’ and his followers the ‘scum of Buddhism’. It stepped up the rhetoric Tuesday, accusing the Nobel Peace laureate and his supporters of planning suicide attacks. Suicide attacks being defined as ‘protesting China’s soldiers on Tibet’s streets’.

German astronaut Hans Schlegel said he’s feeling great and well enough to make a spacewalk Wednesday, after sitting out the mission’s first outing because of illness. The astronauts knew their German counterpart was sick when he begun laughing at their jokes.