Americans are rightly unimpressed by the neocons’ pleas to attack Iran in defense of Israel. After all, what’s the use of Israel’s nuclear deterrent if it does not, in fact, deter anyone from anything? But I don’t think Americans will so lightly ignore a serious threat to their porn:
Iran’s parliament on Wednesday voted in favor of a bill that could lead to the death penalty for persons convicted of working in the production of pornographic movies. With a 148-5 vote in favor and four abstentions, lawmakers present at the Wednesday session of the 290-seat parliament approved that “producers of pornographic works and main elements in their production are considered corrupter of the world and could be sentenced to punishment as corrupter of the world.”
The mind reels at the myriad of possibilities for recruiting posters and television campaigns. I can just see Jenna Jameson and Brianna Banks wearing stars and stripes bikinis in the Oval Office before stripping down and tag-teaming Dick Cheney on the desk, while a somber-faced George Bush warns Americans that if our military forces do not act quickly, we risk losing our adult entertainment industry.
“My fellow Americans. Tonight we are a country awakened to danger and called to defend some of our most cherished citizens. Americans have many questions tonight. Americans are asking: Who doesn’t like to see an attractive, silicone-enhanced blonde being plowed like the rich farmlands of Iowa? Who doesn’t enjoy watching flexible young ladies getting freakier than the proverbial fruited plains?
You know who? Hitler… er, that is, Iran.
Iran’s people have been brutalized — many are sexually deprived and many are reduced to self-pleasure without the benefit of quality visual stimulation. Women are not allowed to copulate on camera with unsuspecting pizza delivery boys and well-endowed men dressed as the police. You can be jailed for owning a collection of Vivid DVDs. A man can be jailed in Iran for the crime of merely filming two curious young cheerleaders exploring the boundaries of their sexual orientations.
The civilized world is rallying to America’s side. They understand that if this violent prudery goes unpunished, their own red light districts, their own lovely and uninhibited actresses may be next. No more hot Hungarian honeys, how do you like the sound of that? I know I don’t. Sexual repression, unanswered, can not only be a real drag, it can threaten the stability of legitimate governments. And you know what — we’re not going to allow it.
I will not yield; I will not rest; I will not relent in waging this struggle for peace, prosperity and pornography for the American people. Because remember, no war, no porn for you!
Thank you. (Applause.)”
After that speech, I figure he could turn the place into a glass parking lot and see his approval ratings go from 26 percent to 76 percent overnight.