Sen. Edwards’ vision for America

St. Amynda the Children’s Advocate

One thing I vow here and now–you motherfuckers who want to ban birth control will never sleep. I will fuck without making children day in and out and you will know it and you won’t be able to stop it. Toss and turn, you mean, jealous motherfuckers. I’m not going to be “punished” with babies. Which makes all your efforts a failure. Some non-procreating women escaped. So give up now. You’ll never catch all of us. Give up now.

Um, okay. But you know, it’s not the vision of that naked, lumpy body engaged in frantic and fruitless activity that haunts me, it’s the horrifying thought of that poor other party forced to participate in the daily ritual. Shouldn’t someone alert PETA?

“God I love it when people call me names. Sometimes the urge to curbcheck some motherfuckers is hard to control. I’m a sadistic asshole, but I am a sadistic ass in the name of justice…. I wish I wasn’t a cum-guzzling boozehound.”

Is anyone else beginning to think that it’s a genuine tragedy that John Edwards didn’t hire Amynda as his speechwriter instead of his blogmaster? Can’t you just picture him walking to the podium, fresh from a happy and relaxing half-hour spent dreamily brushing his hair, then clearing his throat and beginning to read his speech… until his eyes begin to widen and he frantically glances around the crowd as he starts to realize what is coming out of his mouth?

I think we should join Cthulhu’s Coven and Shakespeare’s Sisterhood in writing to the Edwards campaign, demanding that he not only retain Amynda, but promote her to lead speechwriter.