The New York Times interviews a linguistics expert:
Q. Many of the women you’ve interviewed for your new book complain of mothers who criticize their appearance. Are they right to be annoyed?
A. “Right” and “wrong” aren’t words a linguist uses. My job is to analyze conversations and discover why communications fail. The biggest complaint I hear from daughters is: “My mother’s always criticizing me.” And the mother counters, “I can’t open my mouth; my daughter takes everything as criticism.”
But sometimes caring and criticism are found in the same words. When mothers talk about their daughters’ appearance, they are often doing it because they feel obligated to tell their daughter something that no one else will.
The mother feels she’s caring. The daughter feels criticized. They are both right.
What I try to do is point out each side to each other. So, the mother needs to acknowledge the criticism part, and the daughter needs to acknowledge the caring part. It’s tough because each sees only one.
I find this sort of thing very amusing, as there seems to be more than a little overlap between the people who deny that women are overly critical in a male-female context, and those who readily accept that women are overly critical in various female-female relationships.
Here’s a basic rule of thumb. If someone doesn’t ask you for your opinion, keep your trap shut, barring the possibility of your criticism of an action that involves a high probability of a) danger to life and limb, b) losing a job, or c) making a lifelong commitment. Sure, everyone is going to accidentally offer unwanted criticism from time to time, but there’s no excuse for making a habit of it, especially when the criticized party has expressed a wish that you stop it.
The “caring” excuse if bogus. If you want to tell someone that you care, then tell them so. That’s a positive message everyone can appreciate. Otherwise, mind your own business. When someone wants your opinion, they’ll ask for it.
Of course, if you’re so desperate for maternal approval that you’re calling Mommy up everyday to tell her what you ate for lunch, you need to give serious consideration to getting a life.