Todd is puzzled:
Do you have any idea where many of today’s women are getting fed their daily feminist bread? As a single man I keep running into women that keep describing themselves as “independent” in conversations. Men never need to qualify themselves this way because we are naturally more independent.
These women make it a point to stress their “independence” which gets me wondering whether they are reading it in Cosmopolitan or some other rag that this is what men want out of women.
The concept is pushed most heavily in college, although it has trickled down to the high schools, especially the private schools, to some extent. It is also pushed via entertainment; one can look at nearly any movie or television show and see that a woman dependent on a man is nearly always portrayed as frustrated, embittered and dowdy, whereas a woman who supports herself is portrayed as being happy, confident and more attractive to men.
The movie True Lies was an example of this, as Jamie Lee Curtis does not bloom until she becomes a secret agent in partnership with her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (If you haven’t seen it, do, it’s much better than you’d think and single-handedly reversed my previous opinion of Tom Arnold as being entirely unfunny.) The movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith is perhaps a good example of the SIW’s (strong independent woman)ideal, where the woman’s independence and equality is asserted to be an intrinsicly sexy thing. One can trace this theme back to Hepburn and Tracy, but while it is true that snappy repartee can be briefly entertaining, it is a horrible basis for a relationship.
It’s important to understand that women tend to think in images. This is why they are so susceptible to visual propaganda; while many men’s magazines are nothing but text and even Playboy usually features lengthy and in-depth articles, you can go through a stack of women’s magazines without finding more than a few pages that contain more than two paragraphs worth of text. Even many intelligent women who are perfectly capable of it don’t really like to think, they find it more interesting to express and explain themselves. You, on the other hand, may find the topic somewhat less fascinating.
Following the overt (college) and the covert (Hollywood) propaganda, this independence theme is powerfully reinforced by other women. As most of you have probably noted from visits to feminist-oriented blogs, external and critical input is seldom welcomed by female-dominated circles. Whereas competitive men welcome and feed off negative energy – think of Michael Jordan manufacturing perceived slights to motivate himself, Reggie Miller’s habit of walking around New York in a Pacers jersey on game day or the “we get no respect” theme echoed by every NFL team, including the home field advantage holder in the playoffs, (I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to hearing how a potentially 16-0 Colts team that is nearly every sportswriters’ pre-season Super Bowl pick is going to complain about how they get no respect), – most women shrink from it. This is why many women develop a habit of verbal aggressiveness, on the reasonable grounds that the best defense is a constant offense.
But the toughness is an illusion. They’re like tank destroyers, all gun and no armor. At college, I found that the most verbally aggressive women were the most easily reduced to tears, even if one didn’t bother to get personal. So, since the Strong Independent Woman theme is almost always a front designed to mask an inherent insecurity, so you need not take it too seriously. The key is to determine how tightly the mask is bonded to her self-perception; if she responds warmly to masculine assertiveness and takes it off within a week or two, there’s no problem. If she clings to the illusion and continues to hide behind it, write her off and move on even if you are able to see through it.
Never waste any time with anyone who makes a habit of lying to themself. They will all too easily rationalize justifications for lying to you.