The White Buffalo gets it rolling:
Attacking the free agent market like a depressed fat girl attacks a tub of chocolate ice cream, [Vox’s team] has executed triple the moves of any other franchise thus far this year.
“We expect to swap out our entire team before the season starts,” a nattily dressed Vox Day reported. “We’re not really very good at drafting. We’re generally emotional, over-reaching, sweaty, bloated, dizzy, frightened, and unsure most draft days. This past one was no exception. We were sold on the idea that drafting players with 26 and 31 letters in their names only this year was going to change our luck. But once we looked at our weak squad after the draft, we knew we had to do something about it. So now we’re adopting the “third stringers are winners” approach and adding players like Kevin Curtis to our lineup. I’m just heartened that [WB’s team] drafted Javon Walker before we could get to him. He’s a starter, so we have had to drop him when all was said and done.”‘
See, now THAT’S how you diss a guy. Take a genuine fact and put your own explanatory twist on it, make accusations of extreme incompetence, ignorance or sexual inadequacy, and do not forget to suggest that your target is a girl. And this is just preseason smack, it’s nothing vicious like the much-feared pre-game victory haiku. Although I don’t see how anything will ever top the time that Esara Tualo unexpectedly came out.
That is to say, barring the all-time classic: “he sold his soul for Laveranues Coles”. It’s four years later and I still can’t see that name without laughing. What a sorry lot of magnificent bastards!
UPDATE: Make that 4x the moves… I just picked up Cedric Benson again now that he resigned. If they can’t throw the ball, the guy is going to get about 400 carries this year even if he doesn’t play in the first two games. Plus, he’s definitely going to get whatever goal line carries the Bears manage. It’s easy to forget that even the really bad NFL teams still usually manage to score 14 points a game.