The greatest next-generation columnist

It isn’t me. It certainly isn’t one of the bookend charlatans. I speak, of course, of the incredible Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy, whose fantasy football drafts I am not worthy to critique. His knowledge is unsurpassed, his skillz are legion, but the talent of which I am the most envious – aside from his pure gift for comedy which I wouldn’t know what to do with anyhow – is his ability to casually but viciously slash someone to pieces in passing, without mentioning them by name but leaving you no doubt to whom he is referring. Witness the master at work, as he lists 84 reasons that 1984 was the greatest sports season in ESPN’s 25 years.

33. Eddie Murphy’s last season on “SNL.” For my money, the most important “SNL” performer ever — Eddie saved the show and made the most money afterwards. If you disagree, you’re a racist and you hate blacks. End of story. (Sorry, this is the new way to argue points at Page 2. I’m just following instructions.)

Che magnifico! I am moved almost to tears.